There will be no brunch or champagne, no cards from my Beauties, no special flowers. However, like so many mothers throughout the country, I will wake with gratitude that I am blessed to be a mom.
Read moreMoving Past Division...
To say the last few months have been painful in our democracy would be an enormous understatement.
Many say we are a Nation divided.... You pick up your iPhone or turn on the television and you see and hear hate speech, protests, and division.
I understand why many say that we are fractured; but in my bones, I see a world that is searching for healing in so many areas. Please understand, I'm not sugar coating it, I can see our scars, and in no way am I trying to gloss over the deep divisions of our wounds.
I see with my heart a world full of hope and love.
In the same breath, I have to say what saddens me at my core are the social media posts that say something along the lines of:
"If you don't agree with me... I will unfriend or block you."
Those my fellow Pilgrims, are at the core some of the scariest words on the internet.
I wasn't a math or statistics major so bear with me. There were about 60 million on each side of the aisle that voted in this election. For the sake of argument, let's say 5 million on both sides or 10 million are absolutely unreachable. They are <insert every horrible label here>, just go for it--they
are not the best of us. Period. When these folks speak it's always hate speech. It is our duty to use our voice to condemn this discourse. Just today I learned that a restaurant that I have frequented (in Maryland) a white woman told a woman of color that she was happy that Trump won because he was, "making America white again." This woman is so fortunate that I wasn't there--I have no tolerance for such hideous behavior. In my view her words were hate speech.
I understand that many folks encounter the worst of us more than I do. I recognize and acknowledge that my experiences differ from many others. But in my soul, I believe that most of us see more good than bad, and it is equally important that we stand together to support the good. We each need to use our voice to stand as citizens and deplore all acts of violence and unrest. I completely respect the rights of individuals to protest, but not to vandalize or harm others. In the same way I would have absolutely stepped in and called the woman entering the restaurant for her use of hate speech.
If we now take the 110 million and toss in tens of millions who couldn't stomach either candidate and sat out the election. You will see that there are more good folks by sheer numbers. You, yes you, my fellow Pilgrims are fantastic people--because I see you every single day quietly moving among us. Doing the good work that makes the world a better place.
And that my friends is who I want to talk to.... The 110 million or so among us. So before you delete everyone on your feed and dump your book club neighbors because of their "wrong" campaign yard signs, let's settle in for a little chat...
On election night my phone was on FIRE. I received so many calls and text messages that said:
"HOW DID YOU KNOW?!!"
Because for the better part of a year... I told folks, Donald Trump would win.
I WOULD NEVER vote for him, but I knew he was going to win.
Keep in mind this is way back in Iowa and New Hampshire, before wiki-leaks, before the first FBI investigation.
But, I have tons of normal, (non-racist, not homophobic, you get the idea) exceptional humans, that I love that will/did vote for him.
AND I still love them on November 9th.
The faces that heard my prediction were always fanstastic: My friends on the left would have a nervous laugh and say, "Dear Lord I hope not" and they aren't pray-ers. Still others told me I was "CRAZY...." but the majority of people thought I was just wrong.
One of my dear friends in California, was at a fancy book launch the Saturday before the election. When conversation turned to the election, Bob brazenly told his room full of liberal friends:
"I know this woman who grew up in DC and she knows that Trump will win."
Bob told me there were audible gasps--I wish I had been there. I would love to have talked them thorough it with my liberal lens.
Now mind you, Bob is almost 70 (but you would guess he was 50), and the party was for the book launch of a man's account of a highly decorated Pearl Harbor survivor. You can imagine a room filled with highly educated folks; consuming alcohol in liberal California. They didn't like it--at all.
You see for months I read articles, talked to folks, watched rallies, and listened... When I did, I heard the arguments that resonated. Did I agree with all of the arguments- Goodness NO. But, I understood why they resonated.
To all of my fellow citizens who were blindsided, I ask you with love in my heart, this one question.
Who are your friends?
Let me explain.
In order to pay for college I worked in a hotel at the front desk, but nearly all of my college was payed for by being a waitress and a bartender. I studied classical rhetoric--which means this post is actually what I majored. The "Art" of a well constructed argument. To this day, bartending was the most extraordinary job I have ever had. I never worked longer or harder than the years I went to school and tended to oodles of adult beverages. I worked with people from all spectrum of education. There were college educated school teachers who needed to waitress to pay rent; I worked with Ivy league frat boys who worked for beer money, working along side immigrants, who were dishwashers, or prep-cooks who spoke little or no English, the head chef who had never finished high school. I have never met people with a more dedicated work ethic than the individuals I worked with in the service industry.
My boss in the restaurant was Cynthia, she was the head bartender and was doing graduate work. I was 19, Cyn was 29 and didn't like me. I was everything she wasn't, I was (then) Republican, wore a ton of pink, green and pearls. I was religious, the goody-two-shoes girl of privilege. Cynthia's life was very different and she didn't think we had anything in common. Cyn had lived in the world--I hadn't. One morning she came in and while we were setting up the bar, she said the funniest thing ever.
"Kathryn, I read an article that said the key to happiness is to develop friendships with someone you have nothing in common with...That's you!"
I remember nervously laughing, but also being ever so excited. Cynthia is/was unbelievably cool, poised, crazy smart, and beautiful. Without Cyn, I never would have married Jeff; she got us together. Cyn was with Jeff when he selected and bought my engagement ring. My friendship with Cynthia, forged at 19 is one of my greatest life lessons. I learn more about the world from folks I think I have nothing in common with than with the people I do...
If you want to have a full rich life you need deep close friendships with folks you think that you have nothing in common. That means folks who have lived in different parts of the country or world; who don't look like you, who don't vote like you, and don't worship like you. I can promise you no matter where you live--these folks are among you!
Now I can hear my friends on the left screaming at me, "our life is diverse!"
BUT Kathryn I have friends from all parts of the world.
I say this with love... If you were at all surprised by this election, than a big fat NOPE...
Your world is not diverse. You may be one of the greatest examples of multiculturalism, but not true diversity.
Diversity means ALL ideas. Can you sit in a room with a wealth of divergent ideas and leave that room with every spirit intact--not just yours. AND not want to verbally kill anyone.
You also may want to ask all your friends what the definition of diversity is... and start finding some friends who have a different definition than you!
I can also hear many of you yelling at your screens telling me... Well in two weeks, I will be spending Thanksgiving with whole parts of my family that don't see the world as I do...
News flash... not the same.
We all have families.
And in each and every one of them we have that one relative that is filled with CRAZY.
Everyone has a relative that plucks their nerves. But, we all have an understanding that we are there to eat Aunt Betty's (I don't have an Aunt Betty) delicious apple pie and not discuss (capital punishment, gun rights, terrorism, climate change... you get the idea.) with Uncle Bradley (I don't have a Bradley either). You love Uncle Bradley because every year after dinner he still can make your kids belly laugh with his silly jokes, toss the football around the backyard, or pour you the best 25 yr old scotch. But deep in your heart you look past your disagreements with Uncle Bradley because he is yours... and he is family.
For many of us we can look past a great deal for the beauty of family. We don't have to agree, we just need to tolerate for the sake of lovely Aunt Betty. We love Aunt Betty, far more than we are willing to have a heated discussion. However, for some of us it's even deeper; we will clearly say to Uncle Bradley we won't discuss certain topics because our views are too divergent. Then sadly for some, our Uncle Bradley may be part of the 10 million that isn't the best part of our country/world. And knowing that in our broken hearts, we don't even go to the family dinner or allow him in our homes. For those Pilgrims, my heart breaks for you and your entire family. That such hate lives so close to your door. Please understand in your firm stance know this--you are setting a great example for all that know you and your family. You are standing against hate in all it's forms and will not allow it in your presence; or in the lives of your loved ones. When you make this decision, feel peaceful in choosing light over darkness.
The real question, is how often do you sit across the table from someone that you LOVE that has a definition of diversity that differs from yours, or more bluntly, they just see the world with a different lens.
Which leads me back to the election.
We talk with the Beauties about politics all the time. The children had to watch portions of the debates. We shared with them that we would vote for Hillary and why. We also shared with them individuals we suspected would vote differently, that would agree with Mr. Trump.
My Beauties eyes got really BIG. Because they LOVE these members of our tribe.
On every issue in this election. If you can peel the layer back of the vitriol and look at the argument: Illegal immigration, health care, abortion, defense, ISIS, budget, jobs..... And you then sit down and try to understand the other person's perspective you will find a kernel where you will find common ground. Embrace it.
We must stand up against hate, but we must also find paths to connect. Neither side can just block and ignore 60 million people, just because they voted the opposite way...
What I can tell you is that for every topic you passionately disagree, you can find three you can agree on. And when you focus on the three you agree on, it will make it a whole lot easier to then talk about the one you don't.
As a Catholic, I face these issues frequently. The divisions in the Catholic Church have some enormous gulfs. There is a lot to disagree about; the role of women, divorce and remarriage, married priests, LGBT issues, the future of our religious orders, the role of the pope, etc.
BUT... Every time I walk though the doors of the Catholic Church I enter, I don't look at the people surrounding me and look for people I agree or disagree with--No, I join my hand with theirs; pray with and for them as they do for me. I give thanks that as a community of believers we are there, the broken and more broken, for spiritual nourishment and grace.
As we move forward this season, the season in all our faith traditions that is focused on love and light; m
y prayer for all of us is we, the best of the world continue to share the abundant love of the Divine.
And finally, I will share with you the prayer I created for our family:
We pray for our country, her allies and enemies. We pray for all our elected leaders that they may find wisdom and common ground. We pray for peace. We pray for wisdom; to open our ears to listen and not to judge; to open our eyes to see truth in all its forms. We ask that our eyes never close, or look away from hate, violence, or evil. We pray to use our voices to spread faith, hope and love. We pray when called to speak; that our voices are clear when we speak against hate, violence and division. We pray that we always walk in justice for all. We pray, that we use our hands to build and not destroy; to hold, comfort and to heal. We pray that we see the face of the Divine in others and that they see the Divine in us. Amen.
To each and everyone of you... The Divine in me bows to the Divine in you today and always. Which means more simply:
Namaste
xo, Kathryn
PilgrimageGal
Photo Credit: PilgrimageGal
Spiritual Leadership...
The kitchen table is a great place for family discussions on faith...
Hello my Pilgrims... It's been too long. First, let's cover the important news of life in California. All is extraordinary, the weather warm and delightful, and we are all healthy. While I haven't been writing, you are not far from my thoughts and are always in my prayers. A quick recap on my journey.
Since early January, I have taken on more volunteering opportunities at the Mission. The duties of my volunteer work has shifted my time from my writing to sharing my gifts with fellow parishioners. I'm coordinating small faith sharing groups; about 80 of my fellow parishioners are participating in a six week program. The program runs on Thursday nights and Friday mornings. I have loved meeting so many of my fellow parishioners, while still running my own small group. And I still teach my weekly first grade religious education class; my student Beauties are adorable and I love the time I spend with them and their parents. Which means my weekdays are full with prepping for all these responsibilities.
That gives you a full sense of my "professional life"-- but I'm sure you really want to know how my walk on the pilgrimage is progressing. I have answers for that too! Jeff's travel schedule has been consistent and just this past week he was in DC for a full week of meetings. I have shared that Jeff travels! He travels one to two nights every week; we have accepted that level of travel. When Jeff and I reminded the Beauties that he would be gone for a whole week... well that didn't go as well. Ian my schedule keeper, expressed his disappointment, "A whole week?!?!". We reminded the Beauties that Dad is the breadwinner; that his traveling is part of the responsibility of his job. I made some off hand 1950's comment that Dad is the Head of our Household and with that Mini-me spoke up, "Well that makes sense. Dad is the Head of the Household, but Mom you are the Spiritual Head of our family."
I guess I am...
One of my dear friends, told me the story of the meeting she and her future husband had with their rabbi. The rabbi explained that as a couple they would determine how religious/observant they would be as a family. It's a wonderful comment, that I wish more folks would consider. I think for most families, their faith participation isn't considered--it's just done. Done out of routine, or out of guilt, or the expectations of others...
Like taxes. You don't think about it, you just do it. That Pilgrims is what we need to discuss.
If you aren't actively navigating you and your family's spiritual journey--Don't panic, I'm going to help you fix that today. It will be the easiest and most joyful change in your home life, if you are willing to make a few simple modification to your daily routine. I'm asking you to change the order of your to-do list--not add anything, just re-prioritize.
As the "Spiritual Head" of this household; I try to focus most of my daily life to recognizing and improving our spiritual life. I'm thinking about it during laundry, before dinner prep, many times throughout the day, I'm considering their faith life. How am I developing their faith? Is it working to ensure they have a personal relationship with the Divine? I don't need to nag Ian every time to say grace before he dives into dinner (Norah does that.)
No, I'm in the tool box business. Yes, learning your prayers are important, but what matters most to me is that you have the Divine in your thoughts throughout the day. That the Divine is in your decision making process, in your encounters with strangers and friends alike.
I give my Beauties the same marching orders daily. You know the amazing morning routine of bickering, backpacks hitting ever surface, complaints about lunch boxes, violins, doors being opened with too much force--I lovingly remind them the hammer question that they know is coming at dinner:
"Who was the face of Christ for you today? And were you the face of Christ for someone else?"
Boom... that is Divine in action, no matter your tradition, it is the question that resonates. It's not just Sunday that they consider the Divine--it's hopefully in all they do, daily.
Another way to say it, "Where did you see the Divine/God in action today? How did the Divine/God work through you today?"
I went to Catholic schools, I loved every second. It was my plan that my children would do the same. They aren't, both my children needed academic supports that our Catholic school could not provide. That's not a criticism, it was just our reality. That decision has given me a different world view and different challenges. I have had to use different muscles, I have had to take on more of the religious education, but more than that; I have had to work harder to create the opportunities of living in faith.
I admit that my weekly priority is faith, but it's not theirs. They are worried about sports, extra-curricular activities, school, homework, even Jeff's travel. The question is, how can I weave the gift of faith into their daily living?
How do I do that?
Well it's more than just words and it's more than simple actions. It's about the priorities in our family life. You can take your children to religious services every week; but if it's not in your home all the time, you are not living in faith.
You can't farm it out. This isn't an activity that you can pay someone else to complete.
You have to be active at living it. Are you discussing tough subjects with your children and explaining how your religious views frame your political, social and civic duties? Are you actively making prayer a part of your daily journey? Do you explain that you read articles or books on your faith? Are you discussing the homily/sermon after you go to religious services? And if it was a crummy homily/sermon are you offering a different take? I ask my Beauties what did you hear the priest say? Then Jeff and I offer what we have learned.
These are simple first steps. Their are so many other opportunities that I'm sure oodles of you are doing. So share away. Let's not keep our ideas a secret, let us share how we are raising faith filled humans to live and support our world.
And I promise to be in closer touch.... I have missed all of you. Till we meet again on the road.
The Divine in me bows and honors the Divine in each of you.
xo
Kathryn
PilgrimageGal
Thank you for walking with me this week and always. I do use social media to keep in touch. You are welcome to find me on
,
or comment below. I personally answer all my correspondence... and I'm always glad to meet another traveler.
photo credit:
via
Elections; Not That Kind...
We had an election in my house this fall... I thought I had moved from the center of all things political. But, no. My Beauties decided to run for Student Council.
Read moreExquisite Everyday Moments with the Beauties...
This post is a collection of little stories from a normal, but not so typical weekend in my life. I share these little gems as a reminder to me...
This weekend I created oodles of Exquisite Everyday Moments. I coined this term to remind myself to drink in the ordinary, the everyday, the moments and memories that we often overlook. I've learned to breathe-in this life. To love the simple, the laughter, the moments where your soul expands. These aren't the big life events, nope they are the simple joys in the journey. I stop, I breathe, and I take a mental movie. An Exquisite Everyday Moment memory that I will call-up when I'm getting a blood draw, on yet another flipping exam table, having yet another procedure, or when I simply can't get out of bed. When my life is too hard or my situation unacceptable--well it's no match for these treasures, these gems of life, these gifts that keep giving me hope.
It's these moments that remind me, I've got this. That my life is so full of love, that it can over power the darkness. That is what an Exquisite Everyday Moment means... I hope by sharing mine, it can help you find yours.
My little family of four has had a busy weekend. We had no plans, now when I say we had no plans that isn't absolutely true. Norah has tennis lessons every Saturday morning and since we are now Lectors, and I'm a Sunday School teacher and Eucharistic minister (I share the bread and wine at our family mass) we have specific mass times we need to attend. Which leads me back to, we had "no plans"; what that really means is we had no additional responsibility than our normal ones! Don't you all have the same, the caveat of what a free schedule really means?
After tennis, Jeff mentioned that within an hour drive was a mission that I hand't seen, well that was it. I'm amazed that since moving West I have lost the notion of travel time. When it's all in the same state a quick drive could be 4 hours, while back East you could be through five states in the same amount of time. I'm game for so much more, perhaps the true spirit of the West has caught me and the Beauties are at the age that they get-it, can offer insights that I find entertaining. Even when they are whining, it can be entertaining. The Beauties need one thing to keep them happy, food. You would be amazed what some french fries or ice cream can do to get the troops mobilized.
We drove a little over an hour to the mission, walked the expansive grounds and saw the actors dressed for re-enactment, we tasted some bread, and just marveled how hot and dusty the day was. Which makes the entire experience all the more real. It's flipping hot, dusty and back in the day it took them two or three days to travel what we did in a little over an hour. The mountains and coastline of our section of California must have been something to the early Spanish settlers.
During the drive, my Irish Prince offered some rare commentaries from his week. I always enjoy the likes and dislikes from his lunch box. He offered that his friend Kat likes his chocolate milk. He suggested that maybe we could throw an extra in his lunch for him to share. My son already buying drinks for the ladies... He also discussed that he could NEVER live without his technology--be like the early Spanish settlers, well he would never. His displeasure with the hot, moaning about dying of thirst, and his threats of running through a field of poison oak were as always original. I can promise you I would suffer more from the poison oak than he would from itching! It was a real concern on my part! After a significant amount of education torture for a Saturday, we called it a day and heading home in air conditioned comfort with a pile of digital photos and a few Exquisite moments filed away.
Sunday morning arrived with the opportunity for some alone time with Norah. Ian woke up not feeling good after a busy Saturday. Which created an unique opportunity for Miss Norah--she got her mom all to herself for Mass.
We were giddy in the car, we never get to go alone to Mass. It was lovely to be just the girls and I planned to make the most of our alone time. At Mass we had a visiting Jesuit who was so alive in his faith, my cheeks hurt from smiling. As we slipped away from the crowds after Mass, we jumped into the car and headed to lunch. Norah has a few favorite places in town and her most favorite place was closed. Thank goodness an acceptable alternative saved the day. We dined alfresco. While sitting at lunch I had that moment; where I saw Norah with no distractions, just her. We laughed and giggled, she shared her secrets. To be honest, I had no business taking her to lunch, I was wiped after yesterday; but I would pay that bill later.
I needed this day.
Norah was at her best, she wanted to window shop with me. Norah never wants to shop, but today she wanted to look and touch everything. At nine she is starting to get glimpses of the wider world. While at Nordstrom she charmed Daisy the head of accessories, who happily walked around pulling the most expensive bags down for Norah's consideration. She was a fan of Kate Spade's cross body bags. Daisy and I agreed that she knows her style at an early age. Nine and she already has a favorite designer! I also explained we never shame a woman who needs a good bag--never! These are the life lessons my girl will learn from me. We also picked a berry lip gloss. Norah picking my lip gloss is in the running for one of my favorite Exquisite Moments.
So my life may be more ordinary then many of yours. But, what I hope to offer you is the ability to stop. To honestly stop and look at your daily life and find the Divine. To meet yourself and create these moments of joy. Your life should be filled with oodles and oodles of them. It's about finding the joy in the ordinary, the daily joy of living and loving. It's in these Exquisite Everyday Moments that you find your purpose, you find love and you meet the Divine.
The more moments you have, the happier your journey will be. That I can promise you.
Peace be with you.
Kathryn
PilgrimageGal
Thank you for walking with me this week and always. I do use social media to keep in touch. You are welcome to find me on
,
or comment below. I personally answer all my correspondence...and I'm always glad to meet another traveler. xo
Photo Credit: Mr. PilgrimageGal
Tips for Friendships with Chronic Disease...
My life is different from everyone in my inner circle. My closest friends and my family don't have the medical struggles that I face. I won the medical lottery, I have been diagnosed with multiple severe and at times life-threatening rare diseases. In addition to managing other conditions that have sprung up as a result. Having a rare disease means my life and that of my family is never predictable. Which could make maintaining lasting relationships difficult. But, that has not been my experience.
Over the years, I have learned how to educate my friends and family so they know all about my health. While I never get a day off from management of my health; I don't want my relationships to be about my health. You have to find the balance between sharing your truth and still living life. It's a fine line, I want friends and family to understand why I may not be at my best without them feeling sorry for me. At times, I have tried to make light of some of my struggles with humor to put people at ease. I also work diligently to explain how hard it is to live in a body that has betrayed me and share that truth with honesty and love.
In October of 2014, my husband Jeffrey and I uprooted our family of four from the suburbs of Washington, DC and moved west to Santa Barbara, CA. I grew up in the DC area, my life, my family, my doctors, and my best girlfriends in the entire world live there. While moving from your support network is hard for any reason; it is especially difficult when you have developed networks of individuals that understand and love you with all of your health issues.
The move was the best decision for my immediate family. My health is better on the West Coast, more even temperatures. No more horrible cold winters and hot humid summers. Santa Barbara has less people, less traffic and a relaxed slower lifestyle which all agree with our family. The move came with sacrifices, leaving my support system and having to forge new ones. I have found that when you are honest from the start about your health it makes relationships a little easier. Everyone in this world has struggles, finding and maintaining friends will be so much easier when you up front share yours.
At a certain point, Jeffrey and I realized that we would have to tolerate the intolerable, and manage my health. I would likely
and never be cured. What was essential was within this space, I needed to find tools to live the best life in my body, to make peace with this life. I needed to strengthen the relationships with the people who could understand this. The ones that loved me at my core, not the girl who "used to" do activities with them.
I found that my "true" friends are the friends who wanted to "be with me" not "do things with me". The two are quite different. We often forget that underneath the label of chronic illness we are still ourselves. Each of us is still funny, smart, charming and the life of the party. Often just the party location may need to change. My life is filled with a circle of love, the best girlfriends one could ever dream. I still listen, laugh and be the best friend ever... It just means I'm on the sofa or on the phone, not drinking martinis at midnight. (I'll just add that most "healthy" mothers of two aren't doing that either!)
Here are my tips for sustaining lasting friendships while struggling with severe chronic illness.
My chronic disease is like having a perpetual toddler so plan ahead and have a back up plan
. My husband and I like to joke that we have three children, our two real kids and the perpetual toddler that is my chronic disease. Everyone has seen a toddler lose it in a public place; well some mornings I wake up and realize that is exactly what my body is doing to me. For no reason my body has decided that it is not going to behave today, that means it's going to be a bad day. We all love toddlers; but we all know they can be a hot mess. You never know when she is going to have a meltdown (i.e. a "flare") and toddlers are amazing in that they are fantastically unpredictable. Toddlers have personalities, charming, delightful but one wrong look, twenty minutes overdue for a nap and you are going to pay the price. My body does the same to me, too long in the hot sun, too long on my feet when I should be resting. My body will shut down and I can be in bed for days. So be flexible, be ready to change plans and know that you will need to cancel some activities on short notice.
How about a wine and cheese party in bed
: When was the last time you had your best girlfriends over for a glass of wine? When I have been in bed too long thanks to my health, I know I need to see my girls. The ones who make me laugh and will talk to me about the normal stuff--let's be honest the life gossip! One of my favorites is when I had a cocktail party in my bedroom. You got it. We had snacks and wine on my bed. They grab the glasses, they know where to find my wine, and carry it all upstairs. My girlfriends come over climb up on my king size bed. I sipped on some tea and they have wine (always in my Waterford crystal glasses) and eat cheese and fruit. We laughed and giggled for a couple of hours, they went home at seven happy to have been with me and I was sound asleep at 8. Jeff may have slept on a bed with a bunch of crumbs that night, but I slept perfectly, with a smile on my face for days.
I'm the queen of text parties
. How often does it happen that I feel great only to have my children come down with the dreaded stomach flu the one night in three months I'm ready to go out. My solution, text parties during movie award season. My besties and I send group texts discussing who wore what and who shouldn't have! It's the best. I have had one of my girls over and we are texting the one girl who was home with a husband traveling or a sick kiddo. It reminds us that no matter a friend's schedule or health, we can all still enjoy an evening together. You will also be shocked how often you laugh out loud when reading texts.
I still love lunch dates with my best girlfriends.
How about take-out lunch on your sofa. Who needs to sit in a restaurant all dressed up when your biggest accomplishment for the day is brushing your teeth and showering. I have a favorite Thai place that has the most amazing take-out. It also tastes just as amazing on my sofa in my sweats.
Movie night, coffee or brunch, what about yoga in your home?
My sister gave me a world class meditation class in the sunlight of my living room floor. Just the two of us, her voice and the best meditation warmed by the sun's healing rays. My living room has also been home to therapy sessions, impromptu yoga class and the best prayer group meetings.
Being a good friend also means being able to step outside your illness.
Being sent to bed is very different from choosing to spend the day in bed. I've lost track of how many times I have been sent to bed by my doctors.
Everyone has struggles in their life. Everyone. When you live with chronic disease it sometimes is easy to get caught up in your world of doctors and treatments and forget that your closest friends lives are still spinning too. I've been in bed countless times and taken some serious phone calls talking my friends through crisis. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that it's not always about you.
As the world's biggest type A, I love to have my make-up on, and my house perfect, but what I have learned is that no one really cares, when your best friends haven't seen you for however long. They really don't care... They really just want to be with you, to laugh, see you and to know that you are one day closer to being back up and running the world. You don't have to leave your home when you aren't at your best. No, you sometimes just need to make sure the key is under the door mat.
As always, the Divine in me bows to the Divine in you.--Namaste
If this post resonated with you, then I think you'll like;
Chronic disease is like a bad boyfriend
.
I love to hear from you, please friend me on
or
. Or send me an email using the form on the right. Only my eyes will see the email, so please reach out and share your truth. I will do my best to get back in touch. I love updates from all of you, so don't hesitate to send me a note with an update of your journey.
XO
Kathryn
PilgrimageGal
Photo Credit:
Exquisite Everyday Moment With Cake...
Exquisite moment eating wonderful treats...
I like to remind everyone that to live well means creating rituals, moments and space for you and your loved ones to experience exquisite everyday moments. These moments are simple, small reminders in our busy lives that life is beautiful and filled with love. The goal is that when faced with the troubles of everyday life, you can call up these exquisite moments, these little gems, to help you get back on track and sustain you until you can create more.
My family is really good at creating these memories. Jeff and I make this a priority, they sustain not only me, but they are living proof to my Beauties that everything is going to be all right. When your life is filled with taking fist fulls of medicines, and managing doctors like most manage soccer schedules, it's critical that they see we live normally too!
We have a new Saturday schedule, that is relaxed, easy and creates the space to bask in the sunshine of our family. We love to hit the Santa Barbara farmers market to pick up organic and locally grown tastiness. We have made friends with vendors and look forward to our weekly conversations. But our real treat comes when we stroll down the fabulous State Street in our new home town and stop in at our family's favorite cafe;
.
http://lilacpatisserie.com/home
Lilac is the sweetest little French Cafe. As a family, we are quietly working our way through their cake menu. Sampling treats, as we go from coffee cakes, to olive rosemary bread to brownies and cookies. Every Saturday, you will find us rolling in to sit in the cafe or grabbing a treat to go. I love to sit in the cafe with my pot of tea and Jeff with a luscious coffee drink.
Ian eyeing Dad's coffee...
We order a table full of treats and fork fight over the tastiness of each bite. I love these moments with my Beauties, want to learn about someone's week? Give them a fruit tart filled with creamy softness, you get a full download of the playground politics. The moment reminds me that despite everything, my life is good, normal and filled with joy. We picked Lilac also for me, you see I've been gluten free for longer than we have had children. But my gluten eaters comment every time, "Mom this cake is ridiculous, it can't be gluten free?!" So in addition to just delighting in my family, I can enjoy every single bite... and I do!
This week was no exception, a nasty bacterial infection landed me in the urgent care Tuesday night, getting IV fluids and antibiotics. Just what every mother wants, to have her children sitting in the waiting room while I'm getting worked on. The Beauties both had the worry face, the one that says please don't get admitted; please come home with us. Even Jeffrey looked a little more pressed than usual. Thankfully I was not admitted, but I didn't get out of bed all week. Once we got home Tuesday night, for the rest of the week, I had my mind focused on one thing, tea Saturday at Lilac. I needed to nurse some tea, eat a sweet treat and let everyone see that I was fine. My mind stayed focused on our past moments and even more focused on creating a new one. I will create even more...
This week was challenging, I still don't feel great, we missed family parties with our cousins. But we did make it to Lilac. We ordered cake to-go, picking several tasty treats for home; as I sat on my sofa in my jammies, I still created that exquisite moment with Jeff and my Beauties filled with cake, smiles and love.
So as you make your way in the world--Create your happiness, which include your family rituals, your love and your exquisite everyday moments. And if you happen to be in Santa Barbara let us know, we would love to share our table with you.
Kathryn
PilgrimageGal
Photo Credit: Mr. PilgrimageGal
PS. The owners of Lilac haven't compensated me for this post. Neither Jeffrey or I have even met them. It's just a great little place that I love, love, love...
The Elephant in Every Room...
The Elephant in Every Room...
The Elephant in Every Room... How are you feeling and other lovely questions...
I have had a beautifully busy last few weeks. I have attended dinner parties, birthday parties, a fabulous sparkling water and wine club with the girls, and some fantastic chats on the green sofa. And I'm struck by a common thread... I'm losing my conversational edge... No, really, I don't know how to do social chit-chat.
On my red pen list of things I'm doing wrong: I'm struggling with how to handle well wishes... How crazy is that? And I know my friends often struggle with the same...
These days any social encounter, a quick stop at a store, or just being out and about, I'm treated like a celebrity. People are surprised to see me, so they flock to me to say hello, and I LOVE IT! Nothing makes someone who has a chronic illness feel better than friends and loved ones who are happy to see you... It fills your soul with an extra energy boost. I'm seldom alone on these outings; and I seem to always have a beauty or two with me, and they smile and hold a hand, happy too, to have me out-and-about!
But inevitably the question comes, "How are you feeling?", and it's a hard-one to answer, because usually it has taken all my energy to be anywhere... For instance at Easter, so many friends gave me hugs, love and told me I looked great and asked, "How are things?" and I didn't know what to say. I either make a joke about my magical make-up skills that cover the dark bags under my eyes and horrible pale skin. I used the make-up line, five or six times... Or I say "fine", which is a lie; or my gran-daddy answer "horrible", or I say "good-enough", because that is all I have. All of these answers seem wrong or lacking...
My Sunshine Girl always asks me in the most loving way, maybe it's because she is Sunshine... She asks: "Is it a good day?", and I love that question, it's not about my body, or my mind, or my spirit, it's about all of me... And that works for some reason. Because it gives me more ways to answer. And my answers are more than just how my body is working... Sunshine doesn't even know she asks it that way, it's just how her spirit works, open and honest. It gives me the chance to say it's a perfect day, because my beauty just sang in the choir, or it's a great day because the sun is out and it feels great on my skin. Or I got to the cake store and we are in the possession of some amazing ingredient... You see, I'm the first one to tell people when I have great news or I feel good...
Now if you are someone who has asked me, "How are you doing/feeling?", don't beat yourself up... I catch myself asking people all the time, to friends who are ill, have parents that are sick, and then I get in the car and kick myself, I know this is not an easy question with a quick answer. Or classic/favorite: ask a pointed question with kids standing around, done that more than a few times too... I'm the one who has the illness; the expert. Nice...
We just all want to fix what is broken, our hearts and minds act so differently... Our hearts won't tolerate the pain of a loved one, and we can't settle in our hearts suffering of any kind. To solve the problem, we allow our mind to act as the "fixer". How are you? What can I do?How can we fix the problem? Men hold doctorates in this. Men are hardwired to fix, that's why women get so frustrated; we want them to listen and feel... And we are all too aware, not everything can be fixed.
There is nothing wrong about any of it... And sometimes it's fine to ask, when I'm alone... But some days you just want to give your chronic disease a holiday, and you from always being known as the sick girl.
Go back to my celebrity analogy for a second, you wouldn't go up to Meryl Streep if you saw her in a restaurant with her kids having a family meal to say, "Hi, I'm your biggest fan, can I have your autograph and talk about your theory on acting"... Listen, I'm not trying to say I'm a zillion time Oscar winner, or I'm better than anyone else... I'm just saying, sometimes Meryl wants to be Mom, wife, girlfriend, not Academy Award wining actress...
Does this make sense at all? Or do I sound like some crazy snob? That is not my point, and if that is your takeaway, I have completely failed in this post. It's just, I'm so happy to be out and about, I want to talk about you, your family, can we gossip about shoes, spring trends, or kids? Normal stuff and give my chronic disease a day off...
And to be honest, sometimes I worry that I have lost my cocktail party banter, that I can't talk about anything else...
But, I do understand, it's a double edge sword, because I/we/all chronically ill folks, don't want to be forgotten, and do want you to ask how we are... So it is a fine line... At times, I'm more worried about you, I don't want you to be disappointed when I tell you that my life is hard, and my pain is really bad, and I'm going to be in bed in an hour because I gave all my energy away...
I do love a quick email that says, "give it to me, what is the latest", and I will speak my truth if you come over for tea, and we have an hour to visit.
There is no magical answer. And I know that it is more about me and how I react to the question, then the question itself.
But, I can tell you what friends have said that I have cherished: the extra hug that says, "you look beautiful", "The kids are so happy, don't worry", "This event was better just because we got to see your face", "I love seeing you on my couch, (and I don't care you are in PJ's)", "Jeff is always smiling with the kids", "I'm so touched you made it, thank you", "I've got this spot on the sofa for you and a blanket", or just the knowing smile that says, you rock Kathryn and I'm all in with you.
This post feels heavy handed, and I don't want it too... We all just want life to be normal again, but that may not be possible. So this is what normal for me looks like today...
It all can change in an instant...
I heard this quote on the news, I wish I had the source; but it's too good not to share:
"Good things are coming, they are already planned for you!"
Well alrighty then... Lets get to the getting...
More than any post I have written, I want your feedback... So please share your thoughts, your challenges with love ones or your experiences with chronic disease.
And please, feel free to share this post. Sometimes just pulling the curtain back and talking about the Elephant in the Room, helps us all...
Namaste (the divine in me, bows to the divine in you)
xo,
Kathryn
The P
ilgrimage Gal
photo credit:
via
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