The Elephant in Every Room...
The Elephant in Every Room... How are you feeling and other lovely questions...
I have had a beautifully busy last few weeks. I have attended dinner parties, birthday parties, a fabulous sparkling water and wine club with the girls, and some fantastic chats on the green sofa. And I'm struck by a common thread... I'm losing my conversational edge... No, really, I don't know how to do social chit-chat.
On my red pen list of things I'm doing wrong: I'm struggling with how to handle well wishes... How crazy is that? And I know my friends often struggle with the same...
These days any social encounter, a quick stop at a store, or just being out and about, I'm treated like a celebrity. People are surprised to see me, so they flock to me to say hello, and I LOVE IT! Nothing makes someone who has a chronic illness feel better than friends and loved ones who are happy to see you... It fills your soul with an extra energy boost. I'm seldom alone on these outings; and I seem to always have a beauty or two with me, and they smile and hold a hand, happy too, to have me out-and-about!
But inevitably the question comes, "How are you feeling?", and it's a hard-one to answer, because usually it has taken all my energy to be anywhere... For instance at Easter, so many friends gave me hugs, love and told me I looked great and asked, "How are things?" and I didn't know what to say. I either make a joke about my magical make-up skills that cover the dark bags under my eyes and horrible pale skin. I used the make-up line, five or six times... Or I say "fine", which is a lie; or my gran-daddy answer "horrible", or I say "good-enough", because that is all I have. All of these answers seem wrong or lacking...
My Sunshine Girl always asks me in the most loving way, maybe it's because she is Sunshine... She asks: "Is it a good day?", and I love that question, it's not about my body, or my mind, or my spirit, it's about all of me... And that works for some reason. Because it gives me more ways to answer. And my answers are more than just how my body is working... Sunshine doesn't even know she asks it that way, it's just how her spirit works, open and honest. It gives me the chance to say it's a perfect day, because my beauty just sang in the choir, or it's a great day because the sun is out and it feels great on my skin. Or I got to the cake store and we are in the possession of some amazing ingredient... You see, I'm the first one to tell people when I have great news or I feel good...
Now if you are someone who has asked me, "How are you doing/feeling?", don't beat yourself up... I catch myself asking people all the time, to friends who are ill, have parents that are sick, and then I get in the car and kick myself, I know this is not an easy question with a quick answer. Or classic/favorite: ask a pointed question with kids standing around, done that more than a few times too... I'm the one who has the illness; the expert. Nice...
We just all want to fix what is broken, our hearts and minds act so differently... Our hearts won't tolerate the pain of a loved one, and we can't settle in our hearts suffering of any kind. To solve the problem, we allow our mind to act as the "fixer". How are you? What can I do?How can we fix the problem? Men hold doctorates in this. Men are hardwired to fix, that's why women get so frustrated; we want them to listen and feel... And we are all too aware, not everything can be fixed.
There is nothing wrong about any of it... And sometimes it's fine to ask, when I'm alone... But some days you just want to give your chronic disease a holiday, and you from always being known as the sick girl.
Go back to my celebrity analogy for a second, you wouldn't go up to Meryl Streep if you saw her in a restaurant with her kids having a family meal to say, "Hi, I'm your biggest fan, can I have your autograph and talk about your theory on acting"... Listen, I'm not trying to say I'm a zillion time Oscar winner, or I'm better than anyone else... I'm just saying, sometimes Meryl wants to be Mom, wife, girlfriend, not Academy Award wining actress...
Does this make sense at all? Or do I sound like some crazy snob? That is not my point, and if that is your takeaway, I have completely failed in this post. It's just, I'm so happy to be out and about, I want to talk about you, your family, can we gossip about shoes, spring trends, or kids? Normal stuff and give my chronic disease a day off...
And to be honest, sometimes I worry that I have lost my cocktail party banter, that I can't talk about anything else...
But, I do understand, it's a double edge sword, because I/we/all chronically ill folks, don't want to be forgotten, and do want you to ask how we are... So it is a fine line... At times, I'm more worried about you, I don't want you to be disappointed when I tell you that my life is hard, and my pain is really bad, and I'm going to be in bed in an hour because I gave all my energy away...
I do love a quick email that says, "give it to me, what is the latest", and I will speak my truth if you come over for tea, and we have an hour to visit.
There is no magical answer. And I know that it is more about me and how I react to the question, then the question itself.
But, I can tell you what friends have said that I have cherished: the extra hug that says, "you look beautiful", "The kids are so happy, don't worry", "This event was better just because we got to see your face", "I love seeing you on my couch, (and I don't care you are in PJ's)", "Jeff is always smiling with the kids", "I'm so touched you made it, thank you", "I've got this spot on the sofa for you and a blanket", or just the knowing smile that says, you rock Kathryn and I'm all in with you.
This post feels heavy handed, and I don't want it too... We all just want life to be normal again, but that may not be possible. So this is what normal for me looks like today...
It all can change in an instant...
I heard this quote on the news, I wish I had the source; but it's too good not to share:
"Good things are coming, they are already planned for you!"
Well alrighty then... Lets get to the getting...
More than any post I have written, I want your feedback... So please share your thoughts, your challenges with love ones or your experiences with chronic disease.
And please, feel free to share this post. Sometimes just pulling the curtain back and talking about the Elephant in the Room, helps us all...
Namaste (the divine in me, bows to the divine in you)
xo,
Kathryn
The P
ilgrimage Gal
photo credit:
David W. Siu
via
photopin
cc
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