I have bright blue finger nails... Bright blue! I'm a red girl, sometimes pink but never bright blue. My nail color is a result of my Beauties. They seemed to think I was a wee bit predictable--I showed them!

Getting a manicure has become part of my life in California. Perhaps it's the year around flip-flops, or just an adjustment to life out West. I'm a life long biter and peeler, so when I woke one morning to find my cuticles bleeding, I knew I needed a change. I was picking my nails in my sleep. Next I will be pulling out my hair thanks to stress! I needed to turn a stress-er into a relaxing treat. My nail appointments are just that. What makes nails fun is that they are easy to change--the owner of the salon Kathy and my Beauties pick the color. All summer I have been wearing bright unique shades of color.

I know there are oodles of you out there who may think this is a bad idea. The cost, the chemicals. Maybe true. But, the main reason I do my nails is psychological. It is the one thing that I do that reminds me, I'm still me. My nails are the only place I can hide my illness; it's the only place that has been spared. Every other part of my body has a telltale scar.

My illness owns this body, but not my spirit. And not my nails! Nope they dazzle and impress.

Even today, my body is waning under the pressure of inflammation, but my nails are stunning. Last night Jeff administered my monthly shot and the next day I like to do nothing. Frankly my body wants me to do nothing. Today, I needed an excuse to get out of bed. Sometimes mentally you need to fight the urge to stay in bed. It can be a difficult choice, risk a flare over the mental health need to see the world. Jeff had the worry face, and he even said, "I think you should stay in bed, you look tired, you slept in and I want you to rest. BUT, if you need to go out and do your nails, I will support you."

I know... I wish I could clone him for all of you.

I rolled out of bed into some cleanish clothes, that hid my unshaven legs, and nasty hair, and put on my Jackie O sunglasses and watched Ian and Norah swim. I love those moments when I get to sit back and bask in my life. Delighting in my family and just get to "be". Since driving is out of the question today, Jeff dropped me off so Kathy could make my nails look lovely.

I try and force myself to be uncomfortable at least once every day. I would never pick blue for myself, the first day it shocks me. But, as the weeks progress, the blue becomes integrated and accepted. Just like I have done with the rest of me. I have a place of acceptance.

When I share that I force myself to be uncomfortable, let's be clear, I'm not talking about dangerous and risky behavior. No, I'm talking about the self imposed construct that we have placed on ourselves that says, "I don't do that." The ruts we sometimes find ourselves in.

I don't do blue nails... but why? I didn't have a good reason. Blue nails are silly, sassy and for the next two weeks they are me! Because if I'm not willing to try blue nails perhaps they are masking other opportunities in my life where I say, "I don't do that." It also allows me the opportunity to let go. Let go of the control that I tell myself foolishly, I need to have. It pushes me. It challenges me. My hope is within that challenge, I will learn, grow and change.

The blue nails remind me to send that email or make that phone call to introduce myself. To make connections that I would normally make excuses to avoid. Everyday, I'm forcing myself to try something new, meet a new person, extend my hand to someone who may need my support.

What will push you to make the world a better place, to make a new friend, or more importantly to make you the best version of yourself?

Perhaps blue finger nails won't be your diving board to the deep end of the pool...

But, maybe it will give you a gentle nudge--If not, what will?

xo,

Kathryn

PilgrimageGal

Thank you for walking with me this week and always. I do use social media to keep in touch. You are welcome to find me on

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or comment below. I personally answer all my correspondence...and I'm always glad to meet another traveler. xo

Photo Credit: PilgrimageGal

Let Your Inner Lion Roar

photo credit: Alan Lucas | Dreamstime.com

Why depression and anxiety can’t live with a Lion…

So when this last flare rolled in, I was not ready for it and didn't see it coming… I just realized I had no energy and something wasn't right… And I was blue, down for no real reason and I started to worry, am I depressed? Was this a new wrinkle, a new symptom?

I know the literature says people with chronic health issues are more likely to suffer from mental health issues with depression often leading the party…

Now don’t get me wrong, I have had periods of what I think is fair to call depression, since suffering from this foolishness… I’m Irish, have a long history of people on both sides of my clan, who shall we say, used alcohol as a life strategy…

And while alcohol has never been an issue for me, the episodes of depression have come on occasion, but for me have thankfully been very brief and always have come in the winter, when it’s been flipping cold and I’m trapped inside. You mix cold, me, bronchitis, poor breathing, bad pain, cabin fever and tons of prednisone and nasty cough syrup and you don’t have a well-rounded girl…

When this happens, I immediately, call on my doctors; and my wellness guide/spiritual advisor/medical advisor/mental health sounding board, all rolled into my therapist. She helps me manage the periods and thankfully the episodes have rolled out as quickly as they roll in.

But the truth be told, I’m an anxiety girl.

You know the worry thing, as women and mothers, we all have it. I think they go together. You could be a girl that never had a moment of anxiety and the second that pregnancy stick changes colors, you are screwed...

I have shared that I struggle with the “Good Enough Phenomenon.” You know that internal dialogue that can de-rail your day or your life depending on how much time you have.

It begins with my all-star rotation: Am I smart enough, thin enough, witty enough, good enough to be married to my beautiful prince of a husband, I don’t deserve him, am I just faking this whole disease thing in my head for attention, could I be doing more to be healthy?

And my biggest worry: am I good enough mother, what could I be doing to be a better Mom to these beauties.

I've come to learn that these are the LIES of anxiety. These are the biggest parts of our soul; some of the things we are actually best at are the things that haunt us….

And, haunt us they do….and then we are naked and exposed for the whole world to see. The evilness of anxiety just gets in and takes over and you get to the point that it almost paralyzes you. The longer you make room for anxiety, the more of a bad house guest it becomes…

It takes over more of your beautiful home and that beautiful, clear voice that you have in your soul? Well it gets quieter… You can’t hear her… Until she grows silent… And that is when you are in real trouble, because you have lost your voice… You have damaged your soul…

You have lost the uniqueness that makes you strong, beautiful and unstoppable…

For women I think it happens so gradually that we don’t even notice at first. We are so busy, running, loving, sharing, giving, nurturing, that we forget ourselves. We put off; we neglect ourselves, neglect our truth, and lose our voice…

My dear friend, my California Beauty (CB), brilliant, amazing and the girl I would so go over the cliff with… We have a contract with each other. I’m not sure when we signed it, we just did.

We are each other’s professional, personal, spiritual and honest girlfriend... We are also each other’s-safety rope…. When we met, it was because of our kids, but we are each other’s real deal. We speak each-others truth… We are each married to a sweet, smart, hot, introvert and well we are not introverts. And we love our husbands; we are fearless Mama Bears and we have a host of similar life experiences…

I think that’s what makes us unique soul-sisters….

What does that mean? It means we hold hands, and jump through, slam, crash, and break, mangle, and tell our comfort zone to “suck-it”! Destroying our comfort zone… It means we reassure each other when we need to step out of the box. To be honest, she does it way more for me than I have ever done for her. I think I have done it for her maybe once or twice.

She was the girl, who got me to “come-out” about my blog; she is the one I call when I worry, when the anxiety creeps in, when my voice is hard to hear…

When the anxiety tries to take over, I call my girl; because she is the one who says you are: “Unstoppable, you are beautiful, trust that voice, you have to speak your truth, you can do it… I believe in you… and by the way, I’m driving, the heat seat is on, get some lip-gloss, we are going...” I’m not kidding, and she shows up… we go…

Can I just say, I have lost track of how many times…

And you know what? I feel all of those things, not as strongly as she does about me, when my voice is a little shaky; it is nice to have a little push…

I trust her… I mean seriously, I’m willing to go over the cliff with this girl. And Jeff would say, “Fine”, he trusts her and loves her that much too.

Whenever I say her name, he says “go”, no matter how crazy the idea.

But, here’s the thing, every time you smash your comfort zone, I mean really smash it, EVERYTIME, your true voice gets louder and it gets stronger and you trust it more and the flipping anxiety loses another room in your house. It loses another part of your soul; it just gets shoved out the door.

This is what I know for sure. Anxiety is NEVER good, it never helps, and it never makes you better, it just steals, robs, lies, manipulates….

And let me tell you, anxiety has driven me to throw-up, it has made me cry, it makes me shake, and it has kept me up at night….and question. Question myself…

Anxiety has never given me confidence, never made me push through, dig deeper... It has tried to rob me of my dreams….it never told me, YES, YES, YES, I can do that! Not once...

But my little voice has…. And she is starting to quietly, roar…

Oh yes, yes she is… You go girl!

Find your beautiful, tall, strong, unstoppable, voice and let her roar…

For the entire world to see.

She is your lion. She is your truth…

Namaste… The divine in me bows to the divine in you… Always….