First a disclaimer to my Mom, sorry in advance for the litany of bad words. Yes, you raised me better. Yes, you encouraged higher levels of discourse. Yes, you did send me to Catholic school and the nuns are furious. But, you love me because I speak the truth, right? Ok. Love you, too.
Well friends, I’m in bed. And it’s NOT the pretty, all puffed up pillows, taking it easy eating bon-bons like 1950 Doris Day movie. It’s ugly, miserable and I’m taking every medical intervention that I can to stay in one piece.
So, in keeping with my theme of retreat, I’m going to share like we are sitting in the Kumbaya circle at our high school retreat. (Little homage to my ICHS girls, I’m so proud to be in your company. I love you girlies).
This is an educational and instruction based post. I will teach you how I tolerate, deal with missing out on my life, when my body shuts down.
I have had a series of horrible/serious episodes based on the balmy weather conditions. I’m stable and under the care of my amazing team. Now for normal Pilgrimage followers this story is nothing new, and sadly my hot husband and Clive Owen look a like, (Jeffrey) and I have managed three of these nasty events since Christmas. So it’s no surprise that my body, has launched me into bed for several days. I have lots of posts on what my ravaged body feels like on days like this. (start here, if you are new to my story: http://www.pilgrimagegal.com/2013/01/the-real-scoop.html)
But, that is not what we are up to today.
Today, I’m letting you in on my Secret Weapon (SW). It’s what gets me through the toughest of toughest days.
Now some of you who meet me, this will suprise you. At first glance, I’m a spunky but well mannered kinda gal. I never let my Beauties say “stupid” or “hate”. I’m a polite woman, I don’t scream at fellow drivers or give them loving hand gestures. My Mamma raised me right.
And that friends, is why my Mother hates my SW.
Now this weapon may be used ONLY, when out of earshot of any minors, If you have school age children then only use it between 8:30 and 3:00 (or after drop-off and before pickup) and never near any school grounds. You may only use it behind the door of your own room, alone in the car, shower, or on the phone with your BFF.
So what is this magic trick?
It’s my favorite word.
That’s right my friends, cover your ears and turn the little people away. I drop the F-bomb a lot. I have a really filthy mouth, when needed. I use bad words about my health all the time. And in running succession, in almost prayer like litany form. It’s genius.
I FUCKING HATE THIS BROKENNESS. Now notice, I did not say my body, I love my body, it is beautiful, we have had some amazing times, and she still has moments of greatness, but I don’t love the brokenness.
I have taken the control back. When I have had a bad day -- I let it rip.
I FUCKING HATE COLD URTICARIA, I HATE BROKEN GENES, FUCKING, AUTOINFLAMMATORY DISEASE, I FUCKING HATE CHRONIC DISEASE, I HATE GOING TO DOCTORS, I FUCKING HATE MISSING MY LIFE.....FUCKERS..... I FUCKING HATE 15 BELOW WHEN IT ROBS ME OF MY LIFE. I FUCKING WANT MY OLD BEAUTIFUL BODY BACK, NOT THIS FUCKING BROKENNESS!
Well, you get the idea.
Whatever your litany is, make it work for you.
I have a dear friend, who uses this SW as well. Our phone calls go like this sometimes...
me: “Hey sweetie how are you.”
her: “Got a second, are you good?”
me: “Yep, whats up”
her: “I FUCKING HATE DIABETES!”
me: “Yep, I FUCKING HATE DIABETES, too. Talk to me! I’ve got your back, I can take it.”
Then we cover the particulars.
Now sometimes we have a contest to see who can say the F-Bomb more in a five minute conversation. And then we laugh, with the seventh grade giggles, till we can’t stop laughing. Because, we are the two most un-sailor like girls you would ever meet.
O’my it is the best. It’s also our mental, emotional and spritual barometer about life. It’s a release, it forces you to breathe, to stop the madness from spinning, for a moment, and you let all of it out. And you reset, you can breathe and you can face the world again.
This release does two things: One it gives you a safe vehicle to vent. Second, and more importantly,
it acknowledges that your life is really hard, it is not fair, this is not the life you deserve or the life you planned for.
But, it is the life that you have to face, make peace with and decide how you will live it.
Will you lie down and let it own you, define you, and dictate your future or will it be the life that you face, challenge and live beautiful, honestly, authentically. You make it your truth. You get to decide how you choose to live.
We use the SW in text messages or outside of the time window by saying, ”insert code word”, because our kids have never ever heard that word, and they won’t learn it from reading our texts.
Saying FUCK or whatever word works for you; I think it is akin to breaking every dish in your house.
Who has the energy to trash all your dishes, sweep them up, go out and buy a new set. Let’s be real that would be a big job. Then of course you
wake-up the next morning shuffle in and while getting coffee you feel a jab in your toe from that one shard you missed, to look down, see blood and say “FUCKING dishes...”
Now some of you may well be skeptical of using the code word, well because at first you giggle when you say it with intention.
But, I promise with practice, it will become your mantra, your way of saying: “HELL no this disease, issue, problem, will not define me, it won’t take my soul and it will never take my spirit.”
You have the power in a body that some days may seem powerless. You OWN this life.
You may not be able to fix your body, sadly maybe no one can. But you can decide how you will live every moment you have. And this “FOOLISHNESS” as I call it, make sure it doesn’t define you, or your life.
Now here is my caveat.
To live well, I urge you not to use this SW on people, it’s about the disease. So whatever the beast is in your life. Mental health, Alcoholism, HIV, Cancer, Diabetes, Broken Genes, Autoimmune Disease. Call it out. But not at a person. That is just hurtful.
Whatever your beast is, don’t let it suck your life, your spirit, your happiness.
Don’t give it that power, don’t become that disease’s BITCH. Make it your BITCH.
Now I know this post is very different for me so please, I urge you, email, leave me a message on
. Give me feedback. Please let me know if this post resonates with you, if it works for you or it just got you to think a little differently.
I remain humbled that you read and share your stories on the Pilgrimage with me.
The DIVINE in me is honored to bow to the DIVINE in you.
Don't forget I have this super private way of conversing. "Contact the PilgrimageGal..." form on the right. I'm the only person reading them. So give me your thoughts.