A much younger Norah, ready for battle...
I've been spending hours watching the ocean.
Sitting and looking. Not touching my toe in the sand or walking along the beach. I just sit on the bluff, staring out at the sea. I can hear the waves and see children frolicking in the water. The laughter and the joy of summer, children and families playing on the shore. I've been a bystander, just mentally recording the pods of dolphins jumping and playing in the waves, the paddle boarders and surfers matching skills with her. I spend hours looking at the ocean, trying to find my equilibrium in the storm that has unfolded in our life. Not ready to go down to the water, just content to watch, observe and witness. She is a mistress isn't she?... Calling us to feel the cool refreshing water on our toes, to be restored and rejuvenated.
Perhaps I stay up on the bluff, because the ocean scares me.
My life feels like I'm being pummeled by waves. Like the ocean tossing me as she does with the foam on the top layer of the water, in one moment plunging me forward while I try to regain my footing, I'm then thrust and uprooted by the force, the anger and rage of the undertow pulling me further from shore--and still further from my home.
The ocean is a deceptive mistress.
She calls to us, dazzles us with her beauty, the sun reflecting on her skin, creating a magnificence of diamonds, gems dancing just out of reach. We are lured by her calm waters only to find her fierceness just under the surface. That is what I find frightening. Many are tempted by her, wading into her beauty, not respecting her fierceness. I have great respect for her and it's in my respect that I have developed a fear of her. I have the apprehension of a small child not trusting my ability to navigate my little sailboat, to swim, to tread water and to survive. So I just sit and watch...
But it's just that; it's fear...
Fear is the worst bed fellow. Fear keeps you in a state of paralysis, a quicksand of life. And without knowing it you slowly slip just below the surface, often without struggle. That's why I have been watching her, trying to make peace with her, just as I have been trying to understand and make peace with my life. My mistress the ocean is just a place holder for the anxiety that has surfaced in my life. There is no handbook, no movie trailer to tell us how this journey will conclude. We are called to just fight each day, move forward and learn, make corrections and adjustments as needed and begin anew.
That is what I have been trying to do here in San Diego.
I must admit, I will never be a spokesperson for the chamber of commerce. I HATE San Diego. San Diego is a beautiful city, with stunning beaches, culture and a wonderful place to vacation with your family. I hate it here. I'm sure my glasses our clouded by a month of sleeping on a futon next to my daughter's hospital bed. I haven't been drinking margaritas and applying sunscreen. I have been meeting with oodles of doctors and therapists learning how to care for my daughter. It's exhausting, mentally, physically and emotionally. It's the hardest work both Norah and I will ever do. It is easy to see how this disease destroys families.
The eating disorder that has temporarily stolen our daughter is as fierce as the ocean. It beguiles you in the eyes of our daughter, at points we see her, Norah's humor, her quick wit and her dazzling smile; but just a soon as we see Norah, the eating disorder snatches her, pulling her out with the tide, wrestles her and "ED" the name we call the eating disorder surfaces. Lying, attempting to steal our daughter, we watch our daughter Norah, fight and try to battle this beast, only to have ED wear her down, no small victory is good enough; because Norah can feel the beast, waiting to harm her... We watch her fall, at times ED pulls her under silently, other times more violently below the surface of the water. ED lies to her, ED deceives her, tricks and crushes her spirit. The transformation is startling and it has shocked us, humbled us and left us flat footed, we were at a loss of how to handle this wickedness--a wickedness that was attempting to steal our Irish Princess. A wickedness in the form of illness, just as strong as cancer and often as difficult to treat; and just as deadly.
Norah's doctors share with us that recovery can take anywhere from 2-4 years. That sounds a great deal like cancer treatment to me. Norah's chemo is food and she takes it 6 times a day filled with all the same side-effects as chemo. Norah faces anxiety, anger, headaches, body pain, nausea, digestive issues, her hair is falling out because of her lack of nutrition, she is weak from the mental, physical and emotional toll.
There is no break for her...
For the last weeks as I have watched the ocean, I marveled as I learned her tides, I imagined that there is a sand bar just just beyond the break, a strong bank of rocks that if you go out just too far-- she will crash you into the point, breaking not only your surfboard-- but you. There is a reef too, which would devour unexpected nautical visitors. The ocean levels dip in certain spots too, safe for paddle boards but not small boats, then there is a cove that buffers you from the deep waters and is safe to play with your children-- the waves are gentle. Oh, yes I have been watching, learning and waiting, not with fear, but planning. I needed to understand my mistress, to see her for what she is, to observe and learn how to respect her fury, her power and how best to navigate her.
That same study, planning and that preparation; O' Yes. San Diego, I have been doing that. I would lie on that futon, watch Norah's vitals, watch my daughter sleep restlessly, and struggle to eat--refuse to eat. To watch nutrition go into her via a feeding tube in her nose. I watched, I listened, I read books, articles, I talked to the doctors, I spent hours with the psychologists: asking, probing, getting suggestions, taking direction. And I sat with ED, meal after meal, watching ED's fury as everyday my daughter's heart got stronger, her weight inched up. I watched ED throw food at me, silverware, a plate hit me, ED screamed at me... I watched ED commit unspeakable pain on my daughter and never let up. Each and every time, I calmly placed food back on Norah's plate, and told ED I was here. No drama, just a methodical warrior, more strategic, more committed and way the hell stronger.
I looked through ED and told Norah I would never leave.
It will never get too messy, ugly, or violent. ED won't scare me. I'm calm and without fear. I will sit with ED. I studied ED. I deceived ED. Then without ED's permission, I hold my Norah's hand as she takes bite after bite. I will comfort Norah, I will protect her when she can't fight anymore. When she is exhausted I will find strength from the Divine. I will never leave her side.
Yes, my Pilgrims I have been watching, learning and planning... This battle is fierce, dangerous and ongoing and there is no end on the horizon. I'm in the battle of my life, a battle for my daughter's life.
I'm her mother, and the greatest warrior alive to protect her. Norah will be victorious, of that you can be sure.
I'm ready... Ready to set sail in my sailboat and set a course far from San Diego...
I'm ready to face this battle on my turf.
And that turf is home.
Kathryn
PilgrimageGal
Photo Credit: PilgrimageGal