"E" and I enjoying the view
Many years ago when my Ian was a toddler, I heard my friend MB talk about dating with her college aged kiddos. Her beautiful, honest and loving advice to her children forever changed my conversations about dating, relationships and marriage. I have tweaked her statement ever so slightly and I have shared her advice oodles of times with everyone from tweens to adults. The essence of her comments have stayed with me always. In the last month, I was able to pass on this wisdom filtered with my love for my Irish Prince. I hope MB's wisdom will help you shape your conversations... xo K
I have a 13 year old son. That means my life is filled with endless joys and many, many moments where I'm reminded that I'm the most annoying, stupid and did I mention annoying person in the world. It's enough to make even the most self-confident woman question herself.
One of the joys, has to be of watching Ian grow into an exceptional human. As he is growing, Ian is becoming himself--finding out who he is at his core. What has always amazed me is that Ian has a strong sense of justice and fairness. When you are blessed to raise a child with Asperger's you learn that your understanding of the world will forever be changed. I see a world with a greater capacity to love through Ian's eyes.
I stand and look in wonder at the man he will become. I see a young man filled with compassion, empathy and a fierce loyalty to those he holds dear. I'm so proud to see that he is willing to double down to protect his friends and his sister. What Ian will need to navigate is how best to display his loyalty and when to ask for help.
What makes parenting teens such a head banging experience is that all children think they have the world figured out... Unfortunately, most of us have those spectacular teen moments when we didn't and found ourselves struggling.
Jeff and I had noticed over the course of several weeks that the name of a girl named "A" kept popping up. On a sunny quiet day in December, Ian and I had a chat about her. I asked Ian if "A" was his girlfriend.
His response was priceless.
"Mom you told me I couldn't date until I was LIKE 18?! So, NO. She isn't my girlfriend. But she keeps telling me we are "dating".
Mom I'm so uncomfortable talking to you right now...
PLEASE LEAVE.
NOW!"
We all know how I handled that request! The laundry basket met the floor and I moved in and got comfortable on his little twin bed. My Irish Prince at 5'7", size 13 men's shoe and at 115 lbs is no longer a toddler. His bed honestly had no space for two "adult" bodies.
I however wasn't going anywhere. I was just getting cozy. If only I had a Diet Coke. sigh...
As I cozied myself on one end of the bed, the sunlight streaming in across his room, I pulled out my prosecutorial questions. (For the non-Mom's out there, just know that the instant a pregnancy test changes colors, in that moment you are no longer you. You become someone's Mama Bear, their warrior, their protector, teacher, guide and most importantly you understated that you are first and foremost someone's MOTHER.)
Your questions are always about getting answers to do your job. My tone, isn't always sweet and kind, sometimes it's firm and frankly scary. But my Beauties know one thing in their bones, I will fight to the death for them because they are loved. And even when I'm mad, they scream back, "YES I KNOW YOU LOVE ME... BUT YOU ARE A JERK, MOM." To which I reply, "THANK YOU... IT'S HARD WORK TO BE THIS MUCH OF A JERK ALL THE TIME. AND I LOVE YOU MORE. NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM."
But I digress.
As I settle into the tiny twin bed with my dirty hair, baseball cap, and yoga pants, I dream that I'm high above in my penthouse, wearing long black silk robes with feathers, stretched out on a french chaise, dangling my martini in one hand with my red lacquered fingers, puffing my cigarette, telling my son..."DARLING... where is your nanny? Mommy is exhausted and needs a nap."
But, reality being what it is... This is in fact on me, to guide, teach, love and I wouldn't have it any other way. (Except maybe to have that emergency Diet Coke. A mother should never be short on caffeine.)
Sooooo, Ian have you told "A" that you weren't comfortable about dating.
And his 13 yr old boy brain replied, "Well Mom, kind-of..."
Ian's world was changing and he couldn't find his footing.
As we sat on his bed, I was looking into the same enormous blue eyes, just peeking past his black eye lashes as always. Lashes still as long as they were when he was born, I still see my little boy, my sweet boy, who's smell was a mixture of dirt, lavender bubble bath and peanut better. A boy who pushed Thomas the Train around in a living room thousands of miles away.
I was also looking into the eyes of a young man, who was out of his depth and I could feel his worry. In his heart he wanted to place his chubby little boy hand back in mine, one more time, just as he had done for the first day of preschool.
In reality, I was looking into the eyes of a young man who had changed, his arms crossed, the eye rolls of a guy who didn't want a lecture, a young man who had just started to shave, wore braces and with more than a few blemishes that came with growing into a manhood. The voice that spoke to me had begun to change; and was much deeper than the one I could hear anywhere and know he was mine.
After another few minutes of clarifications...
It was clear that like many young men, he was avoiding any said conversation.
All mother's have a name for their children, that sweet nickname that you used from the beginning. That term you use so your child knows that they are yours. I call Ian "E". It's my sweet name, the one I called him when we were on bed-rest together--he still firmly inside my belly, it was the same name I used when we snuggled reading a book, or after a bad dream.
It's the name I use that stops him in his tracks, because it's the name that means one thing... LOVE.
"E", you need to look "A" in the eye and tell her that you aren't ready to be in a relationship. That means you tell her, "A', I like you A WHOLE LOT, but I'm not ready to be your boyfriend. Because being a boyfriend has lots of responsibility. And I'm not ready to take them on."
I went on to explain to Ian that the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is not having the hard conversations. That meant in my experiences sometimes boys would avoid you, or maybe even be a little weird. It was confusing on the other side because you knew that the person had been your friend was being strange and you knew they were trying to share a message you just couldn't understand. That weirdness from a friend you care about, hurt your feelings and hurt your heart.
I had hit a nerve...
"Mom, just curious, what would you do?"
And that's where MB's wisdom comes into play.
I looked at Ian and said to him...
Well "E" you are 13 and "A" is the first girl that you like and she likes you. And while I know a few people who met their spouse in High School (your grandparents and Mr. and Mrs. B) the chances are you aren't going to marry "A" and maybe you would only be a "couple" for a short time. But you have an important responsibility. "A" is someone's future girlfriend and someone's future wife. That makes her precious, perfect and beautiful to someone out there in the world. I'm that girl for your Dad--I'm his precious, perfect and beautiful wife. AND you need to make sure that you help "A" on that journey to meeting that person. Your responsibility, your job is to treat her well, with respect and recognize her preciousness. Because when you part, you want her to be whole, not broken or hurt by your actions.
That way, "A" will always know what it feels like to be valued, appreciated and she will seek partners who
respect that about her. When you recognize that you are helping her and she you, in your journey, it makes it really clear how to treat folks. And I can promise you that forever "A" will think fondly of you and when she is a grown-up she will tell her Beauties about Ian Ferguson.
And then it happened... He looked at me and in his beautiful blue eyes, I realized that my sweet Thomas the Train loving toddler had become a young man. And that my words had value and meaning.
He said, "Thanks Mom, I've got it. Now I know what I need to do."
And in that moment I realized he did. And with that, I rolled off the bed, grabbed my laundry basket and made a quick escape for a well earned Diet Coke.
And as I slipped out the door, I turned back and said,
"I love you more, E" and he replied, "I know, NOW please close the door!"
Which I did.
And as I walked down the hall to find the elusive Diet Coke, I realized that my hand may no longer be holding that delicious chubby little hand of his, but it was walking with a far more precious person, a person who would love others with integrity and respect.
Now if only we could work on deodorant, table manners and picking up underwear...
So I'll settle for the win, for now.
Motherhood is exhausting.
That my fellow pilgrims is where we meet today. In a world where I hope we can spread a little more love and compassion.
I'm reminded of the words of Mother Teresa.
"We can do no great things, only small things with great love."
The small things have the opportunity to turn into big important things in the lives of those we love and touch.
May you find oodles of small things filled with love in your world.
Namaste. The Divine in me bows to the Divine in you.
xo
Kathryn
PilgrimageGal
Photo Credit: Mr. PilgrimageGal