I have this beautiful old Madonna and Child on my window sill... A gift from a dear family friend. The figurine is tiny, but perfect. With her chipped paint-giving way to the resin from underneath, you see glimpses of perfection and imperfection all at once...
It is why I love this little statue so completely... She is broken just like me...
We are all broken, some in body like me; others in spirit, or soul, whatever speaks to you, some in other ways that are far more noticeable. But, what makes me love this statue, is that you can be imperfect and perfect at the same time...
It is what makes you whole.
I have had to face my imperfections again and come to peace with who I am. My NIH team found Pulmonary Hypertension in a routine ECHO; this news just stinks. At first, I swallowed hard and was reminded that this diagnosis in its worst case is very serious, but in my heart I know it will be just another annoying facet of Kathryn-ness that is just irritating. Something that requires management and time, and requires some medical folks to breath deeply, before speaking...
I think that is why, I trust and love the doctors who care for me so much... They all just get me or I educate them on the Kathryn-ness of the world till they do. They understand that while medically, I may be a hot mess, inside I’m feisty as ever. Just irritated daily by the limitations my body has placed on me. I love that in the core of who I am; I still fight the good fight and live for the day that I have a great one...
But, still delight in the mediocre...
The world is a very hard place and it pulls many under...
The one gift this brokenness has provided me is that we all live on the razor's edge. When you see that life is really a breath away from ending, you make the breaths count... When you are reminded of this, you don’t worry about what may be the medical thing that ends it... You are also keenly aware of the fact people die driving to get milk...
Time is short, and it makes me have an urgency that frankly others don’t have.
I try my best, I am very human, and I screw up all the time, but I see the world very clearly...That even on the bad days, I find the way to make the day special.
We have been lucky enough to have Jeffrey’s parents here for the week. Jeff’s dad is able to fix or build anything and so projects that have needed attention are finally getting fixed... Our home needed the love. But after dinner, I was very tired and really losing my patience over things that shouldn't have irritated me. A sign that pain and fatigue had moved in for the duration... I explained to Jeff’s mom that one of her son’s gifts is he sees my grumpy, before I really notice... And he lovingly sends me to bed. He just says so beautifully, “your done”. Sometimes it is a joke or a hand gesture that makes me laugh or he just lovingly says to the kids, “time for mommy to head to bed.”
Its our own shorthand on life...
No one is nice all the time, no one has nearly enough patience, we all need a partner... Jeff does that for me... I’m still wondering what I do for him, but its something or he would have kicked me to the curb years ago!
Which gets me back to my little statue...
I look at her everyday, when I wake, when I go to sleep. How did Mary do it? Every time, I’m on this bed, she is with me, maybe that is the purpose. To remind myself that I’m a great Mom, and a wonderful wife... I’m broken, but its in the broken that my perfection shines like the sun...
Mary is what as Mom’s we strive to be... Perfect... But, none of us are...
I will stick to looking at my little statue with hopes of more Divine interventions...
May you see your perfection, your gifts, your love, your true beauty all around...
Kathryn
PilgrimageGal
Photo Credit: Kathryn Ferguson