Reinvention...

I don't usually need suggestions for my writing.  The ideas come generally out of my prayer life.  My writings are formed out of my reflections; that is why sometimes it takes me longer than I would like to post.  Which irritates me on so many levels! I find the writing comes from my spiritual challenges; perhaps it's even the Spirit challenging me!  So after a lovely chat with my mom, I took her loving motherly advice and began writing this post.

Today, I'm ripping off the band-aid to poke and examine my own wounds. Brace yourself my Pilgrims, this may be a wee bit painful, for both of us. When we are called to be honest with ourselves; the process to find the truth isn't always pretty.  What we have to be able to do is tolerate. Tolerate simply means to stand in the uncomfortable; just long enough to propel us to truth and change.  I try to make myself a wee bit uncomfortably in my daily life. This post is an example of that lesson.

I have spent the last three months, working on getting everyone settled; making sure that my loves are healthy and happy.  Jeffrey and the new job were first.  I need him settled, rested and relaxed in his new assignment.  As a family, we needed to adjust to his new work and travel schedule.  When I say new schedule, I mean adjusting to our separation. This month alone he will be gone 12 days; and let's be real, February is a short month.  For some of you this is normal, but for me/us it's a ton.

Jeff's new job has made the transition easier in some ways and harder in others.  Easier in that I have been on my own way more than I expected.  I feel great and love the opportunity to be a Mom, in every sense, something I have been unable to do for years. The move has also provided me cover,  I have needed to "save" my energy.  That means doing what we need, not everything I want.

Do you ever have that chore or responsibility that you keep putting off as you move the pile from room to room or move it off the priority list for another day?  If I'm being honest, I'm doing exactly that. I don't want to write or talk about how hard this move really has been.  But I will.  I will unpack all of it for you.

I'm fourth on the to do list. I have my other three settled, now it's my turn.

I'm not sure I'm ready!

What I really want to do is have a meltdown. Do the 44 year old equivalent of a toddler at bedtime!  I would rather not face my life. I'm happy vicariously living my East Coast life, planning my trip home to NIH in the spring.  Just living in a limbo of sorts. Not engaging, not making the new friends. Existing and doing in this life; but longing for my old one in my soul.

The question becomes HOW?  How do you adjust to a new world?  How do you make peace with a world that is moving at light speed and you find yourself going through the motions?  How do you start over?  How do you re-join the busy world when you have a hole in your heart?  That is the real question.

I want it all better now. I don't want to work at it... I want the new normal to, well feel normal.  I want it all... I love Santa Barbara, LOVE IT.  I don't want to go back to DC.  I just want everyone I love to be here with me.  I want to be in a room and look at my friend Maureen and just burst out laughing because we both know the joke.  The joke that is ours alone.  I want to watch Melissa and Elva help with boutineers as their boys wrap up high school. I want to be there in person, not on instagram and facebook. I'm the inner circle, I want that instant knowledge.  I want to hear the laughter of every voice I have known for years.  I want the unending stream of people through my unlocked front door. I want my Lynn, calling me to ask for salt, a stick of butter, or some-other silly culinary need.  That for some reason we always had... Once it was a Christmas tree skirt. I have three, who has three tree skirts? I want my Lynn across the street needing only me.  I want my daughter to ditch me to sleep with Beth and Anna because no one makes potato soup better.  And she is just amazing.  I want Kate to stop in with fresh spring cherry blossom branches because she saw them at the floral wholesale; and she knew I needed Spring.  I want to walk into my church and know every face, every child's cry and every giggle.  I want to see everyone I know at the grocery store. Or the knowing eye roll at the pediatrician's for the strep test that is always negative.  I want to make dinner for the latest beautiful baby to enter the neighborhood. I miss my mom. Her lemon chicken and just the way she puts her arms around me and loves me.  Doesn't every girl. I miss my Harvard, he just gets it.  I want to feel at home, not feel like I'm on a vacation or sabbatical, no matter how wonderful.

I want home... I want to feel like myself, and relax.  Relax that people think I'm "normal" and not the "crazy mom from DC". I want people to know my brand of humor... I want to be good enough.

I don't make friendships, I create soul-mates.  My tribe is an interlocking group of loves, whose souls touch mine and vice-a-versa. I don't do acquaintances.  I don't have time.  I crave and demand lifelong relationships with my people.  I have endless room in my tribe, but I demand that you are honest with your truth.  While I'm delighted to be pleasant and friendly with everyone, until we share our truth in whatever the form, we won't be true friends or tribemates.

The good news is I know all of you feel the same way.  I know you get this.  That emptiness from the loss of a parent, new job, end of a marriage.  We have all been there.

The question of the day; how do you make it better?  How do you get through it?  How do you find your soul mates, your tribe, your friends that are your family? (framily?...)

First, don't change your hair or your hair color or think you need to make a dramatic physical change. This isn't about appearances.  If you must, just buy an expensive purse or lip-gloss instead. You will thank me later, trust me.

Second, breath... I know, but really, take a second to just flipping breathe.  I hate it too. It's right up there with patience.  UGH!  I don't have that either.

Then take a moment to inventory yourself.  Crazy right? What makes you happy outside of your main responsibilities?  What gives you ceaseless pleasure?

This is outside of your partner and children. You can't build a life only creating their happiness. You need your own pleasures too.

For me it's simple.  Faith life, a good girlfriend, intimate chats, writing, a quiet garden or museum, fantastic book, a great cup of tea, and walks on the beach.  It sounds like an ad for match.com... But it's true; this is who I am.

So to rebuild, you need to play to your strengths.  I have made friends on the back of Norah.  It's funny, my mini-me and I seek out the same people.  It's no surprise that her besties mothers are often my besties.  That has been true for 9 years. We have a great list of co-besties!  So I have made connections based on her friends and these are fun and easy.

I also have been researching writing groups and workshops.  I will visit and test drive some organizations.  Same for my faith life, connecting with some religious organizations that are like minded will support finding peeps. I will also volunteer with organizations that I admire, another avenue to feed my soul.

The most important thing I can do is not change myself.  Reinvention doesn't mean create a whole new you.  Nope, it means dial up the best that you have to offer.  No one runs a better play date, coffee date or lunch than I do.  So that's how I make friends.  Bring them into my world.  My brand of crazy.  As we say around here, "you just need one person who understands your special brand of crazy...", and from there you build your tribe.

Maybe I'm wearing more make-up and not wearing sweats as much. But, that's because it's so warm... I'm just too hot!  At my core, I'm the same girl, slowly and with great care making calculated steps for my life here.  I'm trying not to rush the transition.

Sure I want it all now, but I know it's the slow and steady progress that will help me create this permanent life here in Cali.

I hope my words resonate with you, and give you some traction to get past those challenges that get us all stuck at one time or another.

Namaste

Kathryn

PilgrimageGal

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lightness

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Medical State of the Union and Sheer Will...

Looking for balance, finding peace...and walking with the Beauty.

It seems only appropriate that with January done, I spend a little time talking about my health. It was the primary reason I started writing this blog, my chance to explain and define for everyone where my life had taken me! So I call this post my

Medical State of the Union

.  It's something about being from DC, every January means the State of the Union address. My friend, Andy a couple of years ago told me I needed to "speak my truth" about my health. My first reporting was the hardest most gut wrenching post I have ever written. (

The Real Scoop...

)

Two years later, I'm blessed and amazed to see how far I have come, to realize that my life is so much better. I'm happy to report; this State of the Union, won't be hard. Not that my life is perfect, but my health is far better, my life happier, lighter and full of more joy.

Officially, I have called Santa Barbara home for just three months; while I'm still unearthing boxes, we have certainly started to feel like we are "settled".  The holidays were filled with tons of entertaining, Jeff's entire family is here in California, so we hosted the West Coast family for several dinners and celebrations.  My mom visited during this time from DC and it was wonderful to have my slice of home here a midst the celebrations and chaos.  As we settle into the "Winter" filled with sunshine and 75 degree days; my life has quieted enough to really offer some news on where my health finds me.

First and foremost, I'm better than I was a year ago. That is for sure. My doctors at NIH are always asking me to describe, "how much better?" I find that impossible to really quantify. What I feel comfortable saying is that moving West has been the best thing for my health.  Simply... it's warmer. Do I still have cold events? YES. Still almost everyday? YES. But my drug regime coupled with the constantly warmer temps have changed the quality of my life. The warmer weather has kept me from having the issues with anaphylaxis that haunted me for years. I didn't really realize till I arrived that I have forever been cold, in my bones, possibly in my soul.  I find myself sitting outside as often as possible for the Vitamin D and just the ability to feel the warmth. While it may be hard to describe to people who don't suffer from this disease, but imagine if you just walked around taking a cold shower all the time... It's that chill, where you can't get warm that has been my struggle. Since arriving, my cold attacks aren't nearly as severe. Small attacks that would have had me coughing and wheezing now seem to have the effect of a bee sting: itching, hiving and uncomfortable but without the follow on nausea, aches, coughing and inability to get out of bed the day after.

I still have had several nasty attacks, just not with the frequency or intensity of the East Coast versions.

Which gets me back to where I should have started. No, I'm not in remission. No, I'm not even close. I have a serious, currently better managed; at time life threatening disease. This is mine and I can't change it. But what I have done is not let it define the outcome of my life.

Sheer will should be my new mantra.

Many people have contacted me to ask, "How do you do it?"  My simple answer is: I don't have a choice.  Or after more thought, I think it is more than that. Basically, I don't like the other options. And I doubt you do either.

We manage our health, with our choices. I think every week, what is the most important thing I'm doing, where do I need to be?  Can I call in, can I miss this, can someone else drive me if I need meds?

We tell our Beauties everyday, "You can't do it all." AND if we are being honest, if we don't do as we say, what message does that send to our children?  Why are we killing ourselves for activities, organizations and events that are not critical or crucial to our happiness?

Or as my dear friend Mick (OK we have never met) reminds me: "You can't always get what you want... But if you try sometime, you find. 

You get what you need."

So that is my message to all of us: my fellow chronic disease warriors, my loves with mental health struggles, medical issues, my other dear ones battling other challenges that we just flipping didn't see coming.

You have to own this struggle, whatever yours is, be it this disease, this challenge in your life, you don't have to like it... HELL NO; but you need to own it and not give it the power to own you. Manage it, keep an eye on it, treat it, but don't let it overtake you or define you.

And for the record, SHEER WILL will only take you so far as the men in my life are apt to remind me.

I thought when I moved, the two most influential men in my life would be separated. My husband and my doctor. But, they still manage to conspire even in their separation.

My dearest Doctor, aka Harvard, always shakes his head when I tell him I struggle with balance... "You think!?"  After all these years, he can tell if I'm behaving by my voice on the phone, or when he would see me in person, just one look at me, drop his head and say, "Please take it easy."

Harvard reminds me in a text message just this week, "Jeff, Ian and Norah need you healthy not sick."

Fair point. Well said Harvard.

Jeffrey is a little more direct and always challenges me when he sees me burning the candle at both ends. He reminds me, "You know where this is going, you can either slow down; climb in bed with the remote and take it easy;  OR you can keep this up and your body will decide for you. And we both know when your body decides, you like that even less."

Or even this morning,  I didn't wake and Jeffrey didn't wake me,  I woke with a start hearing the Beauties heading out the front door for school. What Mom oversleeps when her Beauties are headed to school? This one does apparently, when she is exhausted! I jumped out of bed, raced for the door, standing like a sleepy toddler with my bad breath and bed head, all that I was missing was a stuffed animal under my arm... while the Beauties each gave me a quick hug and all suggested I return to bed! Which I did for another three hours!

Balance... I'm working on it...

These two men are so flipping smart it's IRRITATING. That they are correct, yet again...

(This post is going to be printed and laminated and held over my head for a lifetime!) These two men in my life...

So there you have it, the State of the Union is super strong! Balance aside, more great days than lousy! I'm happy, healthy and eager to report on my good news! As you review your State of the Union, please keep in mind that you are the center of you family's world. And while we may have different struggles, I hope you see the take a ways are the same.

We are all works in progress; we all have struggles; and many of us are working on finding just the right balance. The journey continues....

Namaste

Kathryn

The PilgrimageGal

Photo credit: Mr. PilgrimageGal

Betty...

I met Betty today.

I met her in the place you would least expect to find her. My Mom, who is visiting from DC and I were getting pedicures at a little toe shop in Santa Barbra. You know the kind, the nondescript store front with the neon-lights that say, "OPEN" in the strip mall. It has rows of sparkly clean and cozy chairs with little whirlpools for your feet. That was where my mother and I were getting emergency repairs for our beleaguered feet. The holidays were tough on our tired toes. Too many children with ever growing feet stepped on them! While mom was getting her "French" and I was watching my "Blame it on Rio" dry, in walked Betty. She spoke to the owner about getting her nails "buffed" and her toes "polished" and then as luck would have it, she sat in the chair next to me.

Betty had a little trouble getting into the chair and getting her black Reeboks off. I helped her stow her bag and she comfortably got her bright pink toes into the tub. No surprise to those who know me, I introduced myself and we started to chat. Turns out that her sparkly clear blue eyes had seen many things in her 92 years of living, including 4 children and over 70 years of marriage. Along the way she had lost one of her four Beauties and a year ago on December 23, she lost her True Love, her husband. I loved Betty from our hello. Betty is tiny, but not frail and she drove herself to get her nails done... I know right!!!  Inside that tiny little body was more wisdom than I could get out in our brief conversation. We have a friend in common, Jeffrey's 101 year old Grandmother lives in the same complex. Apparently they are bingo buddies. Guess I may need to crash bingo next week.

I asked Betty what makes a happy life and what tips could she give me for launching happy, healthy and purposeful adults into our big world.

About the happy life, she told me simply that we live in a world full of judgments. In her experience, the happiest and most joyful folks were those who didn't judge, but who loved.

Betty tip number one: Don't judge--Love!

She also told me that none of us are perfect and that many people seem to take their time focusing on other's foibles and not seeing that they themselves have just as many shortcomings.

Betty tip number two:  Remember you aren't perfect.  Focus on everyone's strengths.

About raising Beauties, she explained that children learn from example. She talked about how she and her Love were partners in every sense. That neither of them were perfect individually, but by working together they became an amazing team. I'm thinking Betty created the term co-parenting! She emphasized that we are models and examples for our children in how we live our life... As we live our's, so they will live their's.

Betty tip number three: Lead by example.

Her last lesson was the best.

Betty told me that Mothers are by nature, made to nurture. She explained that it is one of our primary roles.  Even after our children have grown or in my case while I'm still raising mine, I must pay attention to see others that need to be nurtured. And as mothers, it is our responsibility to reach out and fill that need.

Betty tip number four: Yep, we must find those who need our love and love'em.

It was a fascinating conversation. I was smitten by Betty, a women so open, so filled with life and joy and willing to share her truth in such a simple and beautiful way.

There we were, three Moms just sitting, talking over red toe nail polish... (She had tired of pink and needed something a little flashier!)

When I got up to leave, I couldn't resist, I walked over and gave her a hug. I told Betty she had made my day at 10:15 in the morning.

And I thanked her for providing us with an amazing exquisite moment at the start of a day that was planned to be filled with many more.

Today was filled with just that--so many moments and Betty was just the first one and it occurred when and where I least expected it.

Perhaps that is the most important lesson that Betty taught me.

Always be open and ready for an amazing Exquisite Moment. You never can know when they may occur.

Thank you Betty, wisdom figure, life teacher, wife, mother, grandmother and lover of red toes!

Thank you.

Kathryn

PilgrimageGal

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Red Pen Take Two... Happy New Year.

Thank you to everyone who reached out to say my last post resonated with them. I love that by walking together, we share a combined truth. When you let me know how your journey is going, I can focus my energies on speaking to you directly. So thank you to everyone who collectively sighed and said, "Yep, that's me too!"

There are so many of us out there in this big busy world.

I thought maybe that this red pen post had a second part. I don't think there is a trickier time of the year than the time from Halloween through the New Year. In our little family, that extends through January. You see, I have a very special January birthday in my house.

Norah's birthday has always needed a little extra love. Jeff, Ian and I are all August birthdays, so we make a big deal about the month of August. We usually have our family vacation in August as well. So I'm a little extra sensitive that my sweet one needs her birthday month not to be the January blues. I'm not alone. Some of the closest women in my life have December and January birthdays and we have all spent much time sharing notes on how to make them special. From rocking Halloween though January, it is an exhausting time for the battle trenched mom's of this world. During these stressful times, it can be too easy to pull out the red pen and grade our personal performance.

How many of us, would give ourselves a passing grade?

As we prepare ourselves for the collective sigh of the January marathon completion, many of us will begin the quest to start our New Year's Resolutions. My hope for all of you out there, is that you tell your resolutions to stick it.

This year's resolution should be simply, to throw the red pen away. Be a little kinder to yourself. Not your Beauties, not your spouse, not your parents, not your besties... First, be kinder to yourself.

I've been thinking about this, if I were my own bestie, I would have dumped me years ago. I'm never that good to me. I'm good to everyone else, but not to myself. I beat myself up when I'm tired and need to have a rest day.  I feel guilty when I take myself out for a cut and color, or a new lip gloss or even if I just sit on my tush and watch horrible, mindless television all day. I always say I should be doing more. I exhaust myself with my own self critiques, I have a tough time just relaxing. Have you ever wondered why so many of us sleep terribly? Because it's the only time of our day we have our minds to ourselves where we can really invest in long red pen moments!

We need to end the madness and make 2015 about loving ourselves.

I'm going to encourage all of us to date ourselves. Make time to date yourself, discover what you love, what brings you joy, what inspires and fascinates you. I always say, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, but it's more than that... Take the time to really listen to yourself, meet yourself and love being in the room with who you are...

Let me be the first to tell you, I think you are amazing.

Maybe this is the year that you do a little therapy and find some of your patterns. Maybe you try a different house of worship or you reinvest in your faith life in a profound way.  Or this is the year you think about that career you have been too scared to consider. This is the year you love your body just the way that it is. You worked hard for those stretch marks, and your boobs are amazing they gave some Beauties the only food they needed. I look at my stretch marks and think I laid in bed for months to bring these fantastic Beauties into this world. Or maybe this is the time that you just sit back and you own the fact that you are smarter, braver and more beautiful than you ever realized and just own it! At 44, I'm finally starting to do some of these things, and I'm finding, I'm healthier, happier and more in love with the fantasticeness of what God has created in me!

I think we are told as women not to brag, or even at times to step back and push others forward. Maybe 2015 should be about, owning our own internal fabulousness and sharing that light to the world.

So that is my prayer and New Year's hope for all of us. To throw the red pens out and hug ourselves just a little bit more.

You my love are amazing and I love you just the way you are!

Happy New Year!

Namaste my loves, namaste.

Kathryn

PilgrimageGal

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