What Does Your Sign Say?...

Love is the easiest and the hardest thing you will ever do.

I have found it much easier to love in my 40's. Love in my 20's, it scared me. Why?, because love means you have to be willing to be naked. I'm not kidding. Love means that you show your true-self, you acknowledge your weaknesses; stand naked; openly sharing what they are. Love means being you. For many of us, we struggle with not being "good-enough," we want that perfection. Unfortunately, it's just not possible.

I could easily walk around with a sign on my chest listing all of my weakness. My sign would say:

"Hi! I'm Kathryn. Sometimes I'm a mess. When I'm a mess, it's because I let this foolishness slow me down."

Here's my foolishness:

I worry I will die and leave my children without a mother.

I'm painfully insecure--seriously insecure and that means I have some anxiety issues!

I want to love everyone and for everyone to love me.

I'm super embarrassed about my weight. I mean look at me...

My husband is so amazing, I can't for the life of me comprehend why Jeffrey loves-me.

I worry; I'm a lousy wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend...

I worry; that folks don't understand my illness and think I'm a big faker.

I don't think that I'm smart or beautiful.

I have huge guilt that I don't work.

I'm a huge slob... I'm super duper messy.

I often feel like I'm an impostor.

I can't comprehend why people read or listen to what I have to say.

Here is the thing. Most days I shut these negative feelings down. I don't let them bubble-up. Period. End of story.  Everyone has a bad day and I'm no different.  When I have a bad day, I reach out to the people I trust more than myself. I know these aren't rational feelings, but they are part of being human.  I share that my anxiety and worries are bigger than me.  It's in these rare moments that I fully trust others. The people I love.

I work hard to acknowledge these fears and set them aside.

My fears rarely slow me down. Why? I will tell a person on the street what my fears are.  When you "wear and own" your fears, they no longer hold you back. Today I find my fears self-propel me and make me work a little harder. They don't stop me. It has taken a ton of internal work, but it has enabled me to be fearless.

The fearlessness of acknowledging your struggles, makes it easy to love. I have nothing to hide, so that means I can be transparent.

Transparency is freedom.

Freedom not to judge you and the freedom to allow you to love me. I get that you have messy too. So just tell me your messy, and let's get it out. When you share these "triggers" it also explains why some things make us a little crazy. When I know you struggle with your weight, flying, fear of hospitals, or public speaking. It means I'm never, ever, ever hurt you with that.  It means I love you so much that we will protect your soft spots together. I will hold your hand and never leave your side. It means I know this is hard and I have your back.

My mother-in-law shared with me that she is amazed how I just meet strangers and they become good friends.  I laughed, it's true I do make friends in the most unusual places; but my response is, why doesn't everyone? Life is so much better when you have a big circle of happy people who love you and you love them back.

I want everyone I meet to feel special, to feel important and that our interaction was significant in my journey. Don't you?

Don't you want everyone you meet to feel your love, your connection of happiness and your touch of a little joy? Do we all fail at this everyday? Sure. But, isn't it worth trying?

If you are looking at your life and questioning why your relationships aren't where you want them...perhaps you need to ask yourself the question: What are you really afraid of? What don't you want others to know about you? What are you hiding? Are you open to honestly listening to others? Or are you making fun of or worse minimizing the very things you promised to protect (their fear of flying or fear of hospitals).

Keeping some things under wraps may be preventing you from the greatest loves ever.

Peace be with you,

Kathryn

PilgrimageGal

Photo Credit: PilgrimageGal Daughter

Yellow Living Room...

When I was growing up, I had goals. Plans. Ideas. I had a road map for my life. I had expectations of what my life would look like, including my husband and children. In my dream, I pictured my husband and I living in a white colonial with bright shutters and door. We would have a large sunny yellow living room that looked out onto a beautiful cottage garden. I pictured us sitting on matching sofas with our coffee cups, listening to music; all while reading the Sunday paper.  I have no idea where my children were in this dream; but I had them! That was my idea of domestic bliss as seen in my 12 year old mind.  I could create my own stability, calm and security. When I thought of this dream; I always smiled, because I felt loved and cherished.

Children of divorce never feel settled; we are always on the move, sharing time with all the individuals we love. The dream became more of a mantra after losing both my father and stepfather at 15. I never for a second thought I wouldn't go to college. I had to; I had to support myself. I worried about losing my husband, so the dream became a mantra. He couldn't smoke, not be a heavy drinker or do drugs. Smoking killed the two men I loved. In my eyes drugs and booze just increased the chances for mortality. I would make THIS yellow living room world. It would be mine. It would be my reality. As I look back on my 23 years of marriage;  Jeffrey and I have created that life. I have stability. I have calm and security. I'm deliciously happy, in my soul, in my heart and most of all in my head.

I need that world. Jeffrey and I have had some dark times in our early marriage, 22 is young to jump into marriage without tools. I didn't grow up with good marriage models, so I had to teach myself, I learned on the job how to be married. God Bless Jeff, he just needed to learn I was beautifully high maintenance, that isn't a criticism; it's just truth. I needed to talk all the time; about everything, and he just needed to put his arm around me, love me, and tell me it was going to be fine.

I needed to learn that Jeff was exactly what he appeared; a good, honest, trustworthy man. That he loved me and I was good-enough to be loved. Jeff also had to learn to negotiate and to communicate. But, what kept us together was the yellow living room; we both really wanted the same things. We wanted that safe place where we were loved and that we both were all in, not kind of in; but all in.

We learned as a couple what our currency was; what was our truth, what were our deal breakers as a couple and where was the wiggle room. We also created our own tool box as a couple, the short hand that worked for us to make our life work in the ups and downs of the journey. We are very honest and direct, but we do it with humor and love. Our toolbox is the same as the one I have shared with you and it's why we are resilient.

Resilience is the superpower that helps you through the tough times. We are hinged on faith and one another. Everything else is a bi-product of that. God and Jeff are always at the table with me, then it's the Beauties, then it's everyone else. When we work, it all works. For me there is nothing without them. That is how I remain resilient, I focus on that image, that feeling of the yellow living room and the visual of sitting with Jeff and the Divine having a meal talking it all through, laughing and sharing the breaking of bread.

That image and concept is how I stay strong on the Pilgrimage. I use the tools that we have spent Lent honing, shaping and sharpening. When you learn to treat the stupid shit that happens in your life as irritants, and foolishness as obstacles to your happiness you learn how to pivot, to knock down and get around them. That is how you keep your eye on what truly matters...

For me that is enjoying the exquisite everyday moments with my Beauties. This week included a fantastic family meal at the Beauties' favorite white table cloth restaurant on the beach. Also included some moments during Holy Week when I wanted to flick my Beauties for not getting-it during Stations of the Cross. But, more often than not, we had delightful and touching faith filled moments during Holy Thursday, Good Friday and the Easter Vigil. We had our first ever lovely California Easter Dinner with Jeffrey's parents, a backyard Bocce tournament with Norah and her "Poppie" (which is her grandad), we dyed eggs, made some ridiculous good cupcakes, we stayed up too late, got up too early. But even with Norah getting yet another nasty cold, and my pain being excruciating, Ian having a seasonal allergy attack, we had much more joy than sadness.

So that is where I will leave this series of posts on Resilience...

You CAN become more resilient.

It takes effort, practice using the tools and the willingness to never surrender.

But, the more you do, the stronger you get, until it's your super power too!

Kathryn

PilgrimageGal

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Tool Four: Wrapping Up Love and the Hidden Tool...

Wrapping Up Love...

Can I just say, I'm delighted that you have made the stop on week four of our journey to resilience. This week, we are mixing things up a bit! I have created an activity, it's part meditation and part reflection.  Like everything we do together, it's easy and approachable.  I have even done this exercise with my Beauties, who didn't even complain. That is a miracle in my house!  I will call on you to use your imagination; then I will tie the exercise into the fourth tool and show you how it fits into the tool box.

Let's begin with the exercise:

You need to create a few mental images. I think we will call it, "day dreaming for adults!" Easypeasy. To begin, image yourself alone in a quiet and beautiful space. This should be a place you feel peaceful, safe and loved.

Where are you?  The beach?, or maybe it's simply your living room? Or a mountain top in Hawaii? A tulip garden in Holland? A quiet lavender field in France? For some it may be a place of religious significance.

The key is that it should be the most sacred and calming place that you can imagine, the place you feel most peaceful and connected with yourself.

Got it?... Good!

Next, I want you to imagine your LOVE. All the love that you have in your being. Do you have it? Good. Scoop it all up into your arms. You need to imagine it in an inanimate physical form. Maybe it's a heart, maybe its the word love carved in a stone, or just scrabble letters of L-O-V-E , or a piece of red paper cut into a heart, a charm from a necklace, or a vessel of some kind that can hold all your love. Just get a physical image.  I imagine love as the word. The letters carved in little rocks that I can fit into my hand.  Now place that object, your "love" in a box. Let's be clear, you are not losing love, you are for lack of a better description, cloning it.  A strange idea, I know.

My LOVE, I put into a beautiful square box. The box is cream and I have some airy cream ribbon to make a beautiful bow.

So imagine yourself, holding your box of love. You are sitting in this beautiful space you have created. In this place you are positively beaming, you never have been more relaxed, happy, safe, secure, practically giddy, just you and your box. I would have a glass of champagne, because well it's a celebration of me and my big O' box of love.

Now, turn and look around. You have company. You are not alone. Next to you is the Divine.  Yep, the Divine...

How great is that. Right?!

So let's talk about your image of the Divine. Who do you see?

Do you see George Burns from the 70's movies?  Do you see an old wise fatherly figure?  Or Morgan Freeman?  Some will see Jesus, others will see a woman. Some may see some sort of super angel. I'm fine with whatever physical form you use to meet the Divine.  I feel strongly that the Divine comes to all of us a little differently, so what you imagine is perfect.

Keep in mind, that you are not nervous, you are at peace sitting with your Creator.  The Creator that knows you intimately, that created you in the image and likeness of the Divine. So bask in the attention. You are home.  It's the BEST.

Great.  Now hand over that beautiful box O' love to the Divine.

So you give this gift of love to God.  Now what--right? Hang tight for a second.

Why are we doing this exercise?  I know for sure that God is in all of us--each and everyone of us. Sadly, sometimes we tune God out.  If we agree that love is how we connect to one another and to the Divine, then it may be worth considering how we use love.  Should we use it a little bit more? Do others need to stop treating love as a toy?

Recently, I have needed to remind myself that there are three of us in every relationship; you, me and the Divine.  I can't claim to have a relationship with the Divine and not acknowledge that you do too. So the folks who push my ever loving last button; they are in the same relationship with the Divine that I claim to have.

Imagine you just gave the Divine your box O' love and said, "Could you help me with this love business?" Would your relationships look different? If you let the Divine direct you a little bit, how would the Divine use your LOVE with others?  Would the Divine steer you away from some relationships, and shine you in a new direction?  Would the Divine, push you out toward some folks, and give you great insights into others?

This my fellow Pilgrims is the very definition of our fourth tool: Vulnerability.  The definition is simple: It's the ability to give and receive love in its most honest form.  Vulnerability is a two way street. In order to share where you are on your journey, you have to be willing to let others share with you.  As I like to say, love is messy.  Being vulnerable means you are saying, "yes" to the messy. You peel back that protective layer that we all like to keep covered.  Will others think my messy is too much?  Will they discover that I'm a hot mess or too broken?

All fair worries.

You are risking that someone you have given your trust to, may hurt you.

Is it a risk?

Yes.

Will you be hurt?

Perhaps.  But I have found that for all of my hurt in this life, the true members of my tribe far outweigh the few trolls who have hurt me on my journey.

Honestly, I have found that the better I use the tools, the more likely I am to find someone who is a perfect fit for my tribe, not an imposter!

So how does vulnerability allow you to be resilient?

Being vulnerable allows us to walk away from unhealthy relationships and toward healthy ones; which is a key component of resilience.  Choosing what is best for ourselves and our spirit. Vulnerability allows us to find others who "get-it," who will ultimately make up our tribe.  As you continue to build your tribe, your ability to use the tools improve.  The tribe members hold you accountable and you them. You create a safe-haven of trust, where you share and grow, you learn, listen and you get stronger in your own truth. When you peel back that layer; you create a space for vulnerability.  It's only when we are in this place (of vulnerability) that we connect on the deepest level and it's then that we see the Divine in each other.

If you are using your tools as keys to resilience; you can look with a loving eye at all your relationships.  You may find that perhaps the healthiest place for you is in fact not with the person you have chosen.  If you are in love with someone who has over time turned the Divine out; you may need to love yourself more and let go. Loving yourself means that you recognize that the Divine created you as a most precious beloved gift.  Love doesn't mean that you are trampled; love means you are treasured.

Which brings me to this question for you: How well are you using your love?  How well is your loved received? How much of your love do you share? How willing are you are to trust and be vulnerable?  Do you give your love away haphazardly?

Here is the kicker: Would the Divine use your love the same way?

O'my, right?

Really think about this: Take a few minutes to really consider it. We know that no one is better at loving than the Divine. So how would the Divine use your love in your life?

Please carry that question around this week. Own it, consider what that means to you and where you are meeting not only your tribe, but the Divine on this portion of the Pilgrimage.

So that is the exercise, everyday you and the Divine, sitting in your special place reviewing your day. Having a snack, or a cup of tea, or maybe even a cocktail.  A chance to look at your day with the Divine, one on one. It's the opportunity to check-in and see how your love meter is working. How you are managing the love around you. It can also be your first step into meditation. At the end of each day to sit in silence, creating the room for you and the Divine and listening to the reflection. If you and the Divine have time to meet up in the morning, even better...

So tool number four is vulnerability, check. You are doing great, really. And I love you!

Can't wait to hear how it works for you this week.

xo
Kathryn
PilgrimageGal

I love hearing from you, and I miss it when you don't reach out! So leave comments below, connect with me on instagram at PilgrimageGal or on facebook at PilgrimageGal or send me a private email by sending me a note in the form in the sidebar.

photo credit: PixaBay/blickpixel

Tool Two: Humor

"You can laugh or you can cry; choose to laugh."

I love and hate that expression, likely because it's one I hear constantly out of the mouth of my dashing husband. It probably should be part of our family motto; but as I'm want to do, ugggh, yet again, I have to give him props. Because he is right, AGAIN!

As we begin to examine tool number two in our resilient tool box, you may be surprised that I would include humor.  For me, humor is a daily tool, it provides stress relief. I find it is also a vehicle for vulnerability (another tool we will discuss down the road.)

Humor can be an escape from the difficulties of daily life, a place for teaching and an opportunity to connect with the Divine.

Yep, I said the Divine, will get back to that in a minute.

Humor is a "go-to" in our house.  If you can't be a little self-deprecating, can't take a joke or even make a joke about the absurdity of some of your daily struggles; well you're missing out on some good living. Humor takes the edge off the really hard and gives you a safe and joyful place to let off a little steam.

I'm very self-deprecating, I can make a joke about my health, who could possibly be allergic to cold, to sweat, to water?  My life is positively ridiculous, how can you not occasionally joke about the absurdity of it all... But, as always, that is where my journey has landed me.  I see the world with a glass overflowing; even in the dark times it is always more full than empty. Humor works hand in hand with creating that positive attitude, and life that is positive is the way we roll.

We make jokes about health issues, anxiety, perfectionism, and my beloved's control freak ways!  I want to be clear, our jokes aren't hurtful--ever, and if they miss the mark, someone is always quick with an "OUCH" and the comments are quickly re-framed.  We are about light and fun, not negativity.

As with all the tools, it's about muscle memory, using the tools during the good times, makes it a whole lot easier to pull them out when the going gets tough. When you inject humor in the right spots, it allows others to relax and enter into your space with less trepidation.

I often say that the Divine has a wicked sense of humor. How is it possible no one tells you before you have children that you will get to raise yourself in so many unusual ways! Jeffrey and I look at each other daily and point fingers, "THAT'S YOU!" or "Excellent use of your DNA" because our Beauties constantly allow us to see ourselves, providing opportunities for reflection and growth.  And let me be clear its not gender specific, as Ian gets older more and more of the Kathryness of it all shows up in my Irish Prince! Another opportunity to laugh at ourselves and God's fantastic sense of humor.

Additionally, how is it you can laugh with your friends, lovers and children, but not laugh with God? My couples group in DC would call it, "hammer moments," when for the billionth time you see something as if it was for the first and it hits you so hard it's, well like a hammer.  The Divine uses humor constantly with me to teach that message, that hammer moment, it's not coincidence.

I often think God looks at our world, wondering why we take everything so seriously!  I don't think it's wrong to remind ourselves that our spiritual role models were human!  Did they tell jokes... eek maybe even some dirty ones?  Or was one a practical joker, always hiding your shoes, or your pillow?  Each of our faith traditions have some great insights and tools to draw us closer to the Divine. The Jesuit order has the Ignatian Contemplation, or as some explain it, the Prayer of Imagination. The idea is simple and wonderful; take a scriptural reading and then imagine yourself in the midst.  You just beamed in, you are reporter or a director with your imaginary movie camera. What is going on around you?  What is the weather?  What are the main characters doing?  What can you see?  What do you hear?  The Ignatians like to use this prayer with the Gospels, but any number of spiritual passages could work too.  I love this type of meditation for families, because the young ones have the best imaginations!  After dinner, read a small Gospel passage and talk to your Beauties. Throw out some crazy questions, like; who do you think is funny or the clown?  The prankster? Which apostle did Jesus have to remind to pay attention?  Was Jesus funny or was Mary?  What were they like as normal folks?  Did Mary remind Jesus to take his elbow off the table or use soap to wash-up before dinner?  It's a simple, approachable way to talk about the readings and perhaps give each of us a chance to deepen our faith in a new light. Tonight after dinner we will be re-visiting the Transfiguration from today's Gospel from Mark 9:2-10.  My Beauties will have some interesting insights on what is happening on top of that mountain!

So tool two is a little humor.  Work on making it your super power this week! Please contact me and let me know if you have any other ideas on how to use the first two tools. I would love to add your ideas and suggestions to my summary at the end of the series.

Till next Monday. Peace be with you, and may you feel the warm glow of my Irish love on you today and always.

K



photo credit: Lenten Mission via photopin (license)

Measurements of Success...

How do you measure success? 

It is a question that I have been sorting through of late.  I find that when my spiritual compass is working well; I can slow my “Kathryness” and see the patterns in my life.  My questions currently seem to be tied to my year of “Retreat”. 

I have found a new level to my reading and the depths of that discovery have brought some unusual insights.  I seem to delve into ideas, conversations that have caused me to question. Questions, I haven't before taken the time to consider.  These  questions have pushed me into journaling; something I have never really wanted to do; but as part of this discovery, I have taken on in earnest.

I found the same question kept following me.  Gnawing at me for answers.  One question in particular: 

What does success mean for me? 

Having lost my foothold in the professional world, Sheryl Sandberg would say I “leaned out”. And while I watch so many of my close friends lean back in, I see that I have taken a different course; which leaning out doesn't completely cover.  I haven't exactly leaned out; I’m off the grid and that feels far more uncomfortable. 

I feel so unbelievable uncomfortable and unsettled.

As humans, we don't like uncomfortable, we don't like extremes, and lord knows we don't like messy. In our relationships, personal and professional, we want things to just nicely hum along. 

But that Pilgrims, sorry to be the one to let you in on this news flash... That’s not how it works in this world. Nope, it’s messy here, no getting round it.  So that is where I am today, in the messy and uncomfortable place of seeking and carving out my definition of success. 

Jeffrey and I sat down this weekend to have the big picture conversation, how are things, where are we going; and I explained my discomfort about this question.  I explained I was feeling a little lost.  Lost only in that; I was not sure what success looked like any longer. That so many of my old ideas have been turned upside down since my health status changed.  That this writing thing; this PilgrimageGal had taken on a life of its own that, to be blunt was so unexpected. 

We went on to discuss what I like to call the “American Dream Model” that if you work hard-enough, financial and social success is yours.  So it would make sense to call that success, because that is easy to measure and it is the scale so many of us use.  And to be frank in my past life, I was really good at it, I had corporate jobs, made money, got accolades.  Was the “it” girl. 

Perhaps, thats exactly why I'm so uncomfortable.  I look at myself and say, I need to do more, get more, publish more, have more followers, page hits, make more money... Because that is the paradigm that is familiar and comfortable.  

After listening to all my rambling, hand waving, and foolishness; my sweet husband opened his mouth and said, “Maybe that is the wrong definition.”

So there I sat.  Thinking.  More like hearing crickets.  Because I knew in my heart he was so right, so on target.  When the person you love speaks a truth to you, sometimes all you can do is sit and wait for your heart to answer. 

Because my definition of success isn’t the American Dream Model.  My new goal may in fact be to touch more, connect more, and support others on their journey to find peace, and wellness in what ever form that means to them. To be an example that even with chronic disease, life is beautiful, meaningful and complete.  That when we make room for the Divine, in our daily life; we live more fully, more completely than ever before. 

What if success was measured by your ability to see your faith life grow in your choices, in your relationships, in your willingness to do good.  My health will never allow me the opportunity to have the career I once had.  And that is so fine, because I think the work that is guiding me in my brokenness, may in fact be far more important. 

So, as I continue my year of Retreat, I will be searching for more definitions of success, how to measure the unmeasurable, perhaps... 

But, having a wonderful time trying in the process.

Namaste,

Kathryn

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Sacred Space...

Tuesday Tip:  Sacred Space.

I love a tip that requires no money, no running to make an impulse purchase; this tip you can do right now, in your own home and spend zero dollars.  I promise you already have the ingredients in your possession.  

Today you will create your own sacred space. Sometimes, as busy women we don’t have anything that is ours, everything we own is fair game for others to “borrow".  The people we love most, touch everything; our phone, our lip gloss, our every possession is shared.  Some days it just becomes so draining not to have one small treasure that is just ours. 

That is how my sacred space was born. 

Now your sacred space can be as large or as small as you would like.  If you are lucky you have more than one spot in your home, depending on your mood. This is the spot where you curl up and pray, reflect, and recharge. 

For some, your sacred space may just be a simple candle. Any candle will do; sometimes it’s on the back of the toilet where you shut off the lights and close the bathroom door for silence, prayer and meditation. Some of us may be lucky to have a whole room.

Maybe it’s that little spot in the park that you head to all alone for lunch. That could be your space. In the summer, mine is outside on my screen porch, I have a beautiful fountain, a gift from my in-laws that creates such peace, you can’t help but sit and find the divine. 

The space may be some small treasures on a tray that you carry from place to place. Outside on a beautiful day or next to your bed on a day that has you resting.  You can keep this beautiful collection on your coffee or kitchen table. 

I think the basics include; a candle, an object from nature (orchid, dish of water, feather, stone, sand, sea shell) and some object that grounds you. For Catholics, we have our religious objects; a rosary, statue or icon.  Other faiths have prayer beads, or book of blessings. Perhaps a journal to write your thoughts, before or after. You will also need your holy book or the reading you want to meditate on. 

These are just suggestions, you will build your own space, and what works to center me may make you crazy.  That is so fine, focus and find the objects that matter to you . 

I find that most often my objects are gifts from the women I love most. For instance, a dear friend just sent me a rosary from the Church of the Holy Seplicur, from her recent trip to Israel. How amazing, my dear Jewish friend, sent her fav Catholic girl a rosary. Fantastic! That is on my desk right now, creating a sacred work space, with my candle and some roses. All gifts from the amazing women in my life.  

That is my sacred spot right this moment, as I write to you all. 

Your Tuesday Tip, make the time to create your own sacred space, fill it with a little silence, a little reflection, and you’ll be amazed how it can help you recharge.

Would love to see or hear about your sacred space, so send me your photos and suggestions and let’s continue the conversation.

Namaste.

Kathryn

P.S. Yes, that is the completed pink desk... You so knew I was going to get that desk painted!

photo credit: PilgrimageGal

We can stay in touch three ways: 

First, LIKE PilgrimageGal on Facebook and leave comments there (www.facebook.com/pilgrimagegal).

Second, speak privately to me by submitting your questions in the form on the right.

Third, get all the details from the road by entering your email in the box on the top, and receive each post in your email inbox (keep on eye on your inbox or spam folder to complete the process).

I NEVER SHARE YOUR INFORMATION, EMAILS OR CORRESPONDENCE with anyone. They are for my eyes only.