This week was a very long one... You know the kind when it's Tuesday and you swear it should be Friday; because like the Marines, you got more done before nine then anyone else did all day. That was my week! Two nights this week, Jeff was not home till well after dinner. Working late is not something that bothers me. My Beauties are exceptional, but just like all children they can and do push my maternal buttons. That happened one night this week, I was tired and my pain was crummy. I was over the joys of being maid, emotional punching bag, chef, driver and was equally exhausted for asking one too many times for help. We have all been there, when your fatigue and their lack of cooperation meet. Ugh... it's brutal. The backpacks, the overflowing trash, dirty socks, wet towels on the floor, the bathroom that was well just flipping gross! I had had enough, and you don't want to see me when my "Irish-is-up." Look out! It is never pretty!
When I told them: "I quit for the day" and "you are on your own" after baking cookies, short order cooking two different meals, helping with homework, doing laundry... well again you all know. How many times can you ask someone to take a shower and they say, "In a minute" or my fav, "Do I have to?" before you just want to scream! They both were a wee bit nervous to hear, "I was off the clock" and had retired to my bedroom for silence and as to not eat the very young I had given birth to. Can I hear an Amen?! Both my Beauties immediately went into damage control mode saying, "Mom we'll help, tell us what to do..." Which led to an hour of world class help. At one point, Ian came to my bedroom, carefully leaning against the door frame (he was smart to keep a safe distance) and said, "MOM, just because I don't listen and act like I don't like you... You do know deep down, I mean really deep down, I really love you."
Try not to laugh.
This was a moment.
When your child who is an Aspie tells you they love you; it melts even the grumpiest parts of a stone cold heart. Tears instantly sting my eyes. Ian struggles with social skills and more importantly struggles to share his inner feelings. Some may look at his comment and feel a little angry or even a little hurt. Why doesn't he just tell me or show me more often? But not this mama bear; nope, my heart soared. It beamed.
Ian's revelation got me thinking. How often are we missing the hidden gems that other people offer us in our daily struggles?
I once heard a lecture by a woman who had 12 children. She said and I'm paraphrasing, "figure out who your children are and love them." I think that's a great concept. Love your children for who they are and more importantly, WHERE they are. Not who/where you want them to be. You both will be so much happier. What if we could translate that to everyone we love? Meet them where they are, love them for their imperfections. What if the things that make you craziest were the things that make your loved one the most enduring?
Ian more than any other human has taught me how to unwrap the gifts of people. Ian shares his love differently, it's subtle and ultimately deeper and more profound than almost any other person I have been blessed to know. If you look at the world through his lens. He just told me that he loves me in his soul, in his core, in the deepest, most personal place he has. Who doesn't want to be loved like that?
I want more facetime, more good interactions, more of Ian's time and attention. I want more than Ian can give, and it's not that he is selfish. Ian's gifts are far more unique and indeed more percious. See when he tells you his feelings; he is FEELING them. Not just tossing words around. I sometimes forget he is first and foremost a guy and second he loves a little differently than I do. Does he love me less? No. I actually think he loves more deeply than all of us.
My Irish Prince wears his heart on his sleeve. His heart can get hurt easily. So when he leaves in the morning, often he is preparing for battle and certainly when he gets home he wants the confrontations to end. He is looking for what Pope Francis calls, the field hospital in battle. That is exactly what Ian is looking for from me. The field hospital, where he can get fluids, snack and heal his wounds from a very long day. So for me to "attack" him on arrival, to want that ooey, gooey sit at the table and tell me about your day time. That isn't fair.
Ian needs time to decompress, sort through the layers of his day. My beautiful boy absorbs everything, every sound, every movement, every comment made in a room. He hears it all at one time and has to filter it all out till he has found time to come back to us. Sometimes that takes 15 minutes other times it takes an hour or two. But what Jeffrey and I have learned is how to be patient and wait, and then when the house has quieted we can explore and Ian will let us into his world.
Ian isn't going to follow me around telling me he loves me everyday. Nope. I have to look for the sweet, subtle cue from my Irish Prince. And when I find them, they make my heart sing! This week, more than once, Ian made his bed. Made it beautifully, perfectly and just the way I like it! If that isn't filling my desires... more than just my needs, I can't think of a better example. It's just not always the desires we want. I may not get another bear hug, super smooch, but that bed... that bed says everything I need to know. He loves me... really deep down.
I'm better than all good with that!
So as we look at resilience, keep in mind that it is all about you. How you operate, how you reboot, how you care for yourself. What you need to also investigate is how you relate to those you love most. How open are you to step back and learn from those you love? To learn how to enter their space, their world, their ways of communicating with you? A successful relationship is about both sides balancing their emotional desires and needs, and understanding the differences. Realizing that we all show our love differently. Find those unique ways of loving and appreciate them.
That lesson is all you may need to have someone love you really deep down too!
Thanks to all who've joined in this shared journey of Resilience. I hope you have grown in love and faith during this series.
Till next week... Peace and love always.
Kathryn
PilgrimageGal
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