I don't usually need suggestions for my writing. The ideas come generally out of my prayer life. My writings are formed out of my reflections; that is why sometimes it takes me longer than I would like to post. Which irritates me on so many levels! I find the writing comes from my spiritual challenges; perhaps it's even the Spirit challenging me! So after a lovely chat with my mom, I took her loving motherly advice and began writing this post.
Today, I'm ripping off the band-aid to poke and examine my own wounds. Brace yourself my Pilgrims, this may be a wee bit painful, for both of us. When we are called to be honest with ourselves; the process to find the truth isn't always pretty. What we have to be able to do is tolerate. Tolerate simply means to stand in the uncomfortable; just long enough to propel us to truth and change. I try to make myself a wee bit uncomfortably in my daily life. This post is an example of that lesson.
I have spent the last three months, working on getting everyone settled; making sure that my loves are healthy and happy. Jeffrey and the new job were first. I need him settled, rested and relaxed in his new assignment. As a family, we needed to adjust to his new work and travel schedule. When I say new schedule, I mean adjusting to our separation. This month alone he will be gone 12 days; and let's be real, February is a short month. For some of you this is normal, but for me/us it's a ton.
Jeff's new job has made the transition easier in some ways and harder in others. Easier in that I have been on my own way more than I expected. I feel great and love the opportunity to be a Mom, in every sense, something I have been unable to do for years. The move has also provided me cover, I have needed to "save" my energy. That means doing what we need, not everything I want.
Do you ever have that chore or responsibility that you keep putting off as you move the pile from room to room or move it off the priority list for another day? If I'm being honest, I'm doing exactly that. I don't want to write or talk about how hard this move really has been. But I will. I will unpack all of it for you.
I'm fourth on the to do list. I have my other three settled, now it's my turn.
I'm not sure I'm ready!
What I really want to do is have a meltdown. Do the 44 year old equivalent of a toddler at bedtime! I would rather not face my life. I'm happy vicariously living my East Coast life, planning my trip home to NIH in the spring. Just living in a limbo of sorts. Not engaging, not making the new friends. Existing and doing in this life; but longing for my old one in my soul.
The question becomes HOW? How do you adjust to a new world? How do you make peace with a world that is moving at light speed and you find yourself going through the motions? How do you start over? How do you re-join the busy world when you have a hole in your heart? That is the real question.
I want it all better now. I don't want to work at it... I want the new normal to, well feel normal. I want it all... I love Santa Barbara, LOVE IT. I don't want to go back to DC. I just want everyone I love to be here with me. I want to be in a room and look at my friend Maureen and just burst out laughing because we both know the joke. The joke that is ours alone. I want to watch Melissa and Elva help with boutineers as their boys wrap up high school. I want to be there in person, not on instagram and facebook. I'm the inner circle, I want that instant knowledge. I want to hear the laughter of every voice I have known for years. I want the unending stream of people through my unlocked front door. I want my Lynn, calling me to ask for salt, a stick of butter, or some-other silly culinary need. That for some reason we always had... Once it was a Christmas tree skirt. I have three, who has three tree skirts? I want my Lynn across the street needing only me. I want my daughter to ditch me to sleep with Beth and Anna because no one makes potato soup better. And she is just amazing. I want Kate to stop in with fresh spring cherry blossom branches because she saw them at the floral wholesale; and she knew I needed Spring. I want to walk into my church and know every face, every child's cry and every giggle. I want to see everyone I know at the grocery store. Or the knowing eye roll at the pediatrician's for the strep test that is always negative. I want to make dinner for the latest beautiful baby to enter the neighborhood. I miss my mom. Her lemon chicken and just the way she puts her arms around me and loves me. Doesn't every girl. I miss my Harvard, he just gets it. I want to feel at home, not feel like I'm on a vacation or sabbatical, no matter how wonderful.
I want home... I want to feel like myself, and relax. Relax that people think I'm "normal" and not the "crazy mom from DC". I want people to know my brand of humor... I want to be good enough.
I don't make friendships, I create soul-mates. My tribe is an interlocking group of loves, whose souls touch mine and vice-a-versa. I don't do acquaintances. I don't have time. I crave and demand lifelong relationships with my people. I have endless room in my tribe, but I demand that you are honest with your truth. While I'm delighted to be pleasant and friendly with everyone, until we share our truth in whatever the form, we won't be true friends or tribemates.
The good news is I know all of you feel the same way. I know you get this. That emptiness from the loss of a parent, new job, end of a marriage. We have all been there.
The question of the day; how do you make it better? How do you get through it? How do you find your soul mates, your tribe, your friends that are your family? (framily?...)
First, don't change your hair or your hair color or think you need to make a dramatic physical change. This isn't about appearances. If you must, just buy an expensive purse or lip-gloss instead. You will thank me later, trust me.
Second, breath... I know, but really, take a second to just flipping breathe. I hate it too. It's right up there with patience. UGH! I don't have that either.
Then take a moment to inventory yourself. Crazy right? What makes you happy outside of your main responsibilities? What gives you ceaseless pleasure?
This is outside of your partner and children. You can't build a life only creating their happiness. You need your own pleasures too.
For me it's simple. Faith life, a good girlfriend, intimate chats, writing, a quiet garden or museum, fantastic book, a great cup of tea, and walks on the beach. It sounds like an ad for match.com... But it's true; this is who I am.
So to rebuild, you need to play to your strengths. I have made friends on the back of Norah. It's funny, my mini-me and I seek out the same people. It's no surprise that her besties mothers are often my besties. That has been true for 9 years. We have a great list of co-besties! So I have made connections based on her friends and these are fun and easy.
I also have been researching writing groups and workshops. I will visit and test drive some organizations. Same for my faith life, connecting with some religious organizations that are like minded will support finding peeps. I will also volunteer with organizations that I admire, another avenue to feed my soul.
The most important thing I can do is not change myself. Reinvention doesn't mean create a whole new you. Nope, it means dial up the best that you have to offer. No one runs a better play date, coffee date or lunch than I do. So that's how I make friends. Bring them into my world. My brand of crazy. As we say around here, "you just need one person who understands your special brand of crazy...", and from there you build your tribe.
Maybe I'm wearing more make-up and not wearing sweats as much. But, that's because it's so warm... I'm just too hot! At my core, I'm the same girl, slowly and with great care making calculated steps for my life here. I'm trying not to rush the transition.
Sure I want it all now, but I know it's the slow and steady progress that will help me create this permanent life here in Cali.
I hope my words resonate with you, and give you some traction to get past those challenges that get us all stuck at one time or another.
Namaste
Kathryn
PilgrimageGal
photo credit:
via