21+ years ago on the big day...
I LOVE Valentine’s Day because of the potential for love; nothing makes me happier than to have a room full of happy people with their partners. I’m not going to talk about my strong feelings about marriage equality; I say it openly here: (In Defense of Cafeteria Catholics...). On this Valentine’s Day, I want to talk about marriage, and what I have learned from being married for over 21 years.
My Hawaiian Beauty suggested I write a post about my Husband. I have started and deleted three or four posts on my sweet Jeffrey since New Year’s. I can’t seem to put on paper what his presence in my life means; it’s too vast. Jeffrey is a simple man; and for a very complex girl, it’s hard to understand his willingness to step back, to be the nurturer, to simply and quietly move in the world. Many, many people have shared with me that they think Jeffrey is the smartest person they have ever met. I agree. What sets Jeff apart from others is that while he is brilliant, he will not advertise his intelligence. He never feels the need to demonstrate that he is the smartest person in the room. Jeff is the epitome of solitude; he is the most content person I have ever met. I spend everyday amazed by the depth of his love and commitment to all of us.
My Jeffrey never complains, he is very much Wesley in
Princess Bride, “As you wish, Buttercup”.
When you see us together, I suspect outsiders believe that I run this rodeo. That it’s the Kathryn Show and that Jeffrey just has a guest role. But, that is so far from the truth; I run cover for my 6’ 6” love. He needs to go under the radar, be the observer, but here at the ranch, it is his hand that guides, directs, navigates. Some people would call Jeffrey a micro-manager, but I call it leadership and our life is a partnership, a team. We are very intertwined, we are two made one, as we believe in the Sacrament of Marriage.
Let me be frank, it wasn't always good. Jeffrey loved me through my terrible 2’s, my twenties, when I was more interested in making money and advancing my career. I was looking for bells, whistles and excitement. I missed that you don’t look for the bells, you create them. I also missed that sometimes the emptiness we are feeling, is our search for the Divine (that is a whole post which I need to consider). Let’s be real, for two control freaks, leadership can feel a bit or a LOT like micro-management; if you don’t communicate, negotiate and respect one another. I missed, and needed to learn, that I could learn more about myself from looking into the eyes of the person who knows all of you and still chooses to loves you, and sees your best.
Jeffrey is the one who pushes me to share my truth, to openly talk about our life, which is shocking from my beautiful introvert. Jeff has said to me so many times-- often with deep frustration; “Kathryn you're smarter, more beautiful and more amazing than you will ever realize; just do it... go for it.”
What he never says, but I know is truth, because I have a truck load of examples is: “I've got you, if you fall I will catch-you, I’m always your soft place to land.”
I struggled through my 20’s to understand that I could never be completely independent while married; and that I did need to trust, to give some of my control to someone else, become vulnerable; only then did we start to really hear the fantastic bells and whistles!
The other piece that so many couples young and old miss-- you don’t do commitment alone. I see the Holy Spirit in my marriage everyday. It’s that nudge, to send the text that says, "I love you". I marvel that some acquaintances are better to their girlfriends than they are to their husbands. I LOVE my girls, my core group, they are my truth, joy, besties, my accountability, they are at my side when life is hard; but they are second to my husband, as I know I am to theirs.
One of my inner circle says you must daily, “choose to be married”. You have to every single day make that commitment. Some days you open your eyes, smile and say: “Yes, I choose you!” Other mornings when the love of your life forgets the toilet seat and you fall-in, that choice takes a little longer. The first time you don’t; and you close your eyes, questioning; that you are lying next to the best partner for you... well you set yourself up for problems.
I see God in my husband everyday.
I meet the face of God every morning; when my beloved gently wakes me, and lovingly gives me four shots with sharp needles in my arm; then without fail, he kisses me (nasty morning breath and all), adjusts my blanket and tucks me back in for another hour. That extra hour allows the drug to get in my system and offer me protection and energy for the day. Would you get up an hour earlier to care for your spouse?
I see God when Jeffrey speaks to our children, or the way he loves my Mom, that he takes my beauties to Mass when I can’t. I see God working through him. I also know that Jeff was/and is a gift for me. My Husband, is precious and perfect in the eyes of God. What does that tell me? How do I handle this gift, of someone who is so precious and well loved? I don't believe in coincidence, I see that we are here to learn, grow and that we have a path, experiences that we are called to understand. I also know these lessons, experiences well, from making the same mistakes over and over again, till finally exhausted, I relent, try a different approach, and get it right.
Maybe that is why some folks can’t for the life of them; do commitment. They miss that love in all forms is very, very hard work--and as I like to say, messy! We bring wagons full of stuff, our brokenness, our dysfunction, our messed up childhoods, we carry that everywhere... Sadly, some among us don’t have the ability to see it.
Selfie on our 21st Anniversary...
Perhaps no day is better than Valentine’s Day, to stop and evaluate our relationships; beyond the flowers, and tasty candy; to realize that we are on this Pilgrimage together, to support, guide, learn and most of all to love. Today spread a little of your love around, won’t ya! The world would will be a better place because of it!
And to my best Pilgrimage partner, thank you for holding my hand, tugging me along, and never letting go as we traipse up the tough hills, cheering for me, and always, every time; giving me that soft place to fall into your loving arms.
Happy Valentine’s Day Jeffrey... I love you. xo
Kathryn
Photo credits:
photo 1: Calvano Photography for wedding photos
photo 2: PilgrimageGal