The body is miraculous. We really don’t consider all her wonder when she is operating at optimal levels. Which is like how I think about technology, Lord help me if my wi-fi goes down; or my car
doesn't
start. I have zero and I mean zero patience for system failure. Perhaps that’s why I struggle with my health so. It’s so inconceivable that this body wouldn't work.
For the last two weeks, the weather in the Nation’s Capitol has turned crazy, from darn hot to freeze warnings. And that is not the weather that this girl can take. It has caused me to have cold attacks when a rain storm caught me unprepared and to have my body shutter this week at the huge drop in temps. This huge change makes it difficult for my body to keep up. So my chest pain is excruciating, like a weight fell on me, it’s hard to breathe deeply, to catch my breath and I’m forced to sleep elevated to just breath. That coupled with the arthritis type joint and muscle pain, makes me cranky. I delayed my flu shot this week just because I’m too run down to go for it. I have increased the wonder shot to support this weakened body, but what it needs is to rest, to stay in bed and re-boot.
How many mothers can do that? Not this one.
While I have scaled back life, you just can’t roll up shop. Your family needs the stability. They can’t have a Mom in bed at 3:30 in the afternoon. I picked-up my future doctor after school this week and she looked at me and her first question was, ”Mom are you mad? Because you don’t look good.”
Well I’m glad I put on my expensive lip gloss, what would she have said if I had put on the cheap stuff?
They see it, I see it, my loves see it all, they see the pain on my face. The labored breath, the greyness of my skin at the end of the day. The kids hear my voice get raspy and not in a hot Kathleen Turner kind of way. In a breathing through a wet straw, kind of way.
In a former life, I was the ultimate go-getter, working at the top of my game, being a decision maker and a doer. I was the one you called when it HAD to get done. But, I’m not that girl anymore. I’m the head of the I’m sorry, can’t do that today, maybe tomorrow club. It makes me crazy. I can’t make peace with it. The part of myself I loved most is gone. The get it done, high-heels, ponytail flapping behind me, as I light the world on fire. I love her, I long for her like a former lover, I long for the body that worked, performed at that level.
I think that the hardest part of brokenness, is when you can see it, touch it, taste it, feel it. And you are forced to make peace with it.
And making peace is what we are all called to do. Make peace with our demons. The truest test is to be able to quietly sit in a room with ourselves and be at peace. To tolerate the intolerable, the excruciating, the anger we feel within ourselves. We are called to live this, NEVER accept, but to tolerate.
That is what I’m trying to teach my beauties, tolerate the intolerable. Live through the discomfort, live through the disappointment, live through the brokenness of your dreams and learn what the gift is. It is there if you are willing to be present. Few of us learn in the victories, they are short-lived; it is in the failures that we met our true self.
The real me is not the high heeled pony-tail girl, oh she is a part of me, she is me, but she is the unsustainable me, she is not the essence of what makes me fearless, she was too busy off running, she wasn’t stopping to see the world around her, she wasn’t in awe of the life that she has, the love she has, the people who love her so unselfishly, so perfectly. No, pony-tail girl is too busy trying to be first, the best, shockingly beautiful. She is the selfish version of me, no wonder I ascribe so much attention to her... She is all that and a bag of chips.
But, what she lacks is compassion... And that is what I lack most. Not compassion for others, compassion for myself, for my shortcomings. I just get angry and curl up, and woe is me through it.
That is why struggle is the ultimate key to personal success and growth.
It reminds me of the decadence of a long run, when you get to the sweet spot where the pain lessens and you are in the present, you are the run, your lungs no longer burn you just feel your heart, your breath, in the run, the warm sun on your face, the perfection in the moment, that makes the pain insignificant and the achievement meaningful.
I’m not in the sweet part of the run this week. I’m running up that beast of a hill, and it’s really, really hard, but the crest is coming, I can sense it and soon, oh Lord soon, I will be in-it, the perfection of the run. And things will get just a little easier.
My prayer is that the run gets easier before Halloween.
I have lots of candy to hand out, lots of parties to attend and lots of little goblins, witches; a warrior and a mad-scientist to delight in. So dig deep, my fellow travelers; like I am, find the kick in your legs and get it done. It will be worth it soon...
We are far too strong not to make this better.
And even though I’m broken and you are too, we are still vessels of the Divine, the Divine dwells in me and she dwells in you.
My prayer for you is that you don’t for a minute forget that she is residing, breathing, moving in you.
Namaste (The Divine in me is honored to bow to the Divine in you.)
Kathryn
photo credit:
via