Ian, leading the way...
I've been thinking about my commitment to this writing journey. One of my tenants, was to have a record for my beauties of their life... So, when they are adults, they can sit and read this journey for themselves and put the pieces together of a childhood that was very different than their peers... But, one that was filled with an abundance of love and my tenacity to find wellness. So please indulge me as I write for my little ones today. Specifically to my special man who is at a crossroads.
I hope in it you find a little gem for yourself... xo Kathryn
To my Ian...
As we wind down the school year, I realize our family is at a crossroad... For the first time you and your sister will attend different schools. My Irish Prince, you are blessed with an extraordinary mind and with that comes some hard hurts and struggles with your social limitations... You see the world differently and our beautiful Catholic school is not the place where today your talents can shine.
Before I became a Mom, I underestimated how your pain would affect me... I heard a quote one time that is a Jewish proverb, "A mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child." Which is so beautiful and true. As your Mom, I watch you struggle to do your work, and try your best, and stay focused and listen, when your mind is running movies of Harry Potter or of Star Wars... Which by the way is so much more interesting than diagramming sentences. Sweetie, you my love, are trying to fit a round shaped peg view of the world, into the school’s square hole, and it is killing your spirit...
Ian, you are an amazing gift, one that your Dad and I have always treasured, and special gifts need special places... Last week you turned the bathroom sink into a Pensive like Harry does... I asked you if you put any thoughts in, and you looked at me and smiled so big your eyes danced and you said, "Mom, put some in and took some out!" It may be my most favorite moment of year 9! You were completely covered in water, hair, shirt, not to mention the bathroom floor, part of the hall and the steps... But, you happily cleaned up the "pensive water" off the floor... Thanks for that...
You also have a new trick, instead of responding to me when I ask you to pick something up or to do anything, you act like you can't hear me. Until I about lose my mind, then sweet as pie you say, "Mom, what is the magic word?" So you won't respond or do anything without someone first saying... PLEASE. Again a nice concept, but to be honest, it is going to be a long summer for us.... But, just between us, hysterical... But you won't know that for 11 more years when you can read this!
I hope that at 21 we will look back at this time, the early days of sorting through your Asperger's and talk about this summer when you changed schools as a time when we all became even closer... You have been the greatest gift to me, you have taught me patience, and taught me how to live for this second, and to see that imagination is a part of everyday life... You notice the unnoticeable, the missed and you also see the uniqueness all around us... You make life a daily adventure, you will be exhausted when you at a very old age leave this world... What makes you far superior to the rest of us it that you feel it... The movement of the wind, the movement of the spirit, you also see color better than any artist I have ever witnessed... You see undertones, and light and shadow... I need you to teach me more of that.
Can I just tell you my favorite part of the day, when you come home and we eat ice cream. The look on your face, when you see that nothing here has changed, and you could unload on me about the day, was so affirming as your mom. You would occasionally be mad that I forgot to do something... That was always the gage on how hard a day you had... But, I can take it! On the good days, it was so funny, ice cream all over you and your sister’s uniforms, and the giggles and laughter... My sacred exquisite moments with you both...
When your Dad and I got married, I was Catholic and he was a “pagan” as my loving priest referred to him. But, we agreed that our kids would be brought up Catholic and we would do our best to make sure they went to a Catholic school. Along the way, Dad was baptised and confirmed in the faith (but that is a story for another time).
So as we pull you out of the Catholic school, that was my safe place of my childhood and put you somewhere different, I realize that we have not found your safe place, yet... My warrior mother promise to you is that I will find that happy place for you... And I will not stop looking and fighting for you until we find it. If not this next school, then the next.
Sometimes in life we spend so much time invested in what we dream, that we miss reality.
Catholic school is not the place for you... You are amazing, gifted and very special and your life is filled with wonderful opportunities...
I see you, my Irish Prince, as you are and I love you for it all.
You make me a better person and mother, and you teach me daily how to love.... You took my breath away last night, you won't remember, when sitting with you, we told you of our decision to send you to a strange and different school. You were so funny, you thought that we were asking you to switch school as opposed to telling you of the plan.... You said, "While I will be sad to leave, I'm really excited to go to a school that understands me the way that I am..." and then, "How about a really big dish of ice cream and some video games", code for, I need to shut this all down and process. As we said good night, you were clearly at peace...
"I love you Mom. Thank you."
No my sweet one, Thank You.
Thank you for teaching us everyday to walk with integrity and be who we are gifted to be...
Much love today, always and forever... Mom